tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8770341086445997547.post174856420210048501..comments2023-10-07T22:37:49.244+13:00Comments on The Hand Mirror: Loose morals? More like loose assumptionskatyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15742280289613450293noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8770341086445997547.post-18381992548446951432008-10-23T10:35:00.000+13:002008-10-23T10:35:00.000+13:00My father was absent by choice (in a way) he was a...My father was absent by choice (in a way) he was an alcoholic and he could come and visit me (he lived in the North Island, I was in Christchurch) provided he didn't drink. <BR/><BR/>I last saw him when I was four and he died when I was 14 - pretty much killing himself with drink. As an adult looking back I'm glad he wasn't in our lives due to his alcoholism, but as a child I missed having my dad, knowing him as a person.<BR/><BR/>My mother had a lot of family support, and I spent an enormous amount of time with my grandmother. <BR/><BR/>Do parents need to be married? Well I think today the point is moot, at least legally. Marriage, de facto and civil unions offer all the same legal protections. In my head I think that as long as the couple are committed and living together, they are basically married for practical purposes. <BR/><BR/>And sure, two married parents is no guarantee for happiness. My father for example was a married man, living with his wife, when I was born... so yes. "I do" only means as much as is actually practiced.Muerkhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00983180202172098977noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8770341086445997547.post-45219844286177346672008-10-22T11:06:00.000+13:002008-10-22T11:06:00.000+13:00Also, parenting alone shouldn't necessarily equate...<I>Also, parenting alone shouldn't necessarily equate to being unsupported.</I><BR/><BR/>Quite correct.<BR/>I really feel for those single parents who have no support - but that's not to say it isn't out there if you look for it (other single parents... online communities*... neighbours... friends etc). I think in that case there are more things going on that than just a lack of support... possibly depression etc.<BR/><BR/>* Probably not available in muerk's case. But they are now! And have been incredible support to me.Nikki Elisabethhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11601782588373904490noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8770341086445997547.post-77672571997870555422008-10-21T13:16:00.000+13:002008-10-21T13:16:00.000+13:00Muerk, I think you're right on the money insofar a...Muerk, I think you're right on the money insofar as parenting alone and unsupported is extremely hard. However, two parents present is no guarantee of a supportive relationship or equal sharing of work. Also, parenting alone shouldn't necessarily equate to being unsupported. Good childcare opportunities, health and education can go a long way towards assisting. <BR/><BR/>I think it's good when people make mature relationship decisions (and by this I basically mean behaving in an ethical way towards every person, including friends, colleagues, children, etc, not just towards those we marry/sleep with). I don't know how the state would promote that, mind you.Annahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06076244041878300351noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8770341086445997547.post-7017357990547293622008-10-21T10:39:00.000+13:002008-10-21T10:39:00.000+13:00I'd also note it must be pretty damaging for a chi...I'd also note it must be pretty damaging for a child to be in a household where their parents hate each other but are staying together "for the sake of the children". Surely in that scenario divorce could actually be good for the kids?Juliehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08977150346842277994noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8770341086445997547.post-38503165510410649132008-10-21T09:59:00.000+13:002008-10-21T09:59:00.000+13:00I think there's a practical benefit for the State ...<I>I think there's a practical benefit for the State to encourage solid, life long marriages and extended family working together to help each other.</I><BR/><BR/>While I take your point that two parents are better for a child than one, do the parents need to be married, or just co-habiting? And is it possible that had your father not been absent*, but still actively parenting you while separated from your mother, you'd have had just as much support as if they'd been together?<BR/><BR/>I agree that, outside of rare cases where one parent is chronically abusive, it's best for both parents to be actively involved with bringing up a child. However, I'm not necessarily sure that a traditional marriage is the only way this support can be given (although it's certainly a way).<BR/><BR/>As an aside, what steps do you think the government could have taken to keep your parents together?<BR/><BR/>*This seems to be the case judging from your comment, but I might be wrong.DPF:TLDRhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06372937855256319716noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8770341086445997547.post-9964656363004360692008-10-20T18:22:00.000+13:002008-10-20T18:22:00.000+13:00I don't think it's controversial to say that life ...I don't think it's controversial to say that life is easier is when there is a committed couple raising their own children. At least say as compared to how I grew up which was as an illegitimate child with my mother receiving the DPB. <BR/><BR/>Certainly it motivated me to be married before I had children, which has happened. <BR/><BR/>The practicality of my situation is that I was the one who had to step up when my mother fell ill. She didn't have a husband to support her through that time. Because her relationship with my father ended fairly soon after I was born, it meant there were no siblings that could help me. <BR/><BR/>Whilst it's great that we have a State that can assist us, in some ways it is our family that is our safety net. Given my personal history I have half sisters and a half-brother that I have never met. Should anything happen to my children they would not be prepared to offer any help given we have no contact and never have. I couldn't even tell you all their names off the top of my head.<BR/><BR/>Had my mum married and stayed so, had a few more children, then parts of my life would have been easier. Burdens could have been shared. <BR/><BR/>I think there's a practical benefit for the State to encourage solid, life long marriages and extended family working together to help each other.Muerkhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00983180202172098977noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8770341086445997547.post-59115423048783531772008-10-20T12:12:00.000+13:002008-10-20T12:12:00.000+13:00As I have said the FF report doesn't quantify fis...As <A HREF="http://big-news.blogspot.com/2008/10/family-breakdown-costs-each-taxpayer.html" REL="nofollow">I have said </A> the FF report doesn't quantify fiscal cost of marriage at all, despite its title. Therefore it is a fallacy to state that married couples have more benefits -and less fiscal costs if they break up - compared with unmarried couples.Swimminghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12913329810121951824noreply@blogger.com