tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8770341086445997547.post3341003950917546598..comments2023-10-07T22:37:49.244+13:00Comments on The Hand Mirror: To grieve (visibly) or not to grieve, that is the question...katyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15742280289613450293noreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8770341086445997547.post-54205839393478062512012-05-25T23:13:36.805+12:002012-05-25T23:13:36.805+12:00Hey Anonymous,
thank you for that honest comment. ...Hey Anonymous,<br />thank you for that honest comment. You are so right that our capacity to respond to others varies considerably for a whole bunch of reasons. This post is not trying to give any individual a hard time, I'm more trying to give my impressions of some of the cultural norms around grief for Pakeha New Zealanders. It's a tricky thing to talk about. I don't think "Oh I'm so sorry" is ever a bad response though personally. Thanks, LJLudditeJournohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13154447284268192467noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8770341086445997547.post-15644797077022138652012-05-25T18:31:37.624+12:002012-05-25T18:31:37.624+12:00I have fairly mixed feelings on this. On the one h...I have fairly mixed feelings on this. On the one hand, I get what you're saying. I don't want to make someone who's grieving feel like they have to hide it or be dishonest. On the other hand...well. Sometimes a mumbled answer is the best I can do for people, or the eternally weak "Oh I'm so sorry." This is because I have enough trouble trying to deal with my own emotional state (I have a mental illness and am currently supporting a partner with PSTD) to figure out that *one* response that is appropriate to the person and the context. Which, when you don't know the person very well, is almost impossible. Sometimes people are trying their best and failing to give the 'right' response, whatever that is. It sucks, because no one *wants* to be a jerk and not give the grieving person exactly what they need, but there may be extenuating circumstances as to why they don't.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8770341086445997547.post-81840059534785893642012-05-23T16:25:44.961+12:002012-05-23T16:25:44.961+12:00Hi Tatjna, thank you for commenting. I recognise t...Hi Tatjna, thank you for commenting. I recognise that response - are you still grieving? - too. "Passing away" bugs me too, as does "lost". I didn't misplace my mother, she died. Hope you also have people you love it's safe to grieve with.LudditeJournohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13154447284268192467noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8770341086445997547.post-16976041627394640462012-05-23T15:24:05.262+12:002012-05-23T15:24:05.262+12:00I am pakeha.
Both of my parents are dead, and lik...I am pakeha.<br /><br />Both of my parents are dead, and like you I still have moments of intense grieving. This year mother's day was hard for me too. I expressed this and it was ignored in favour of a form of stoic deflection that minimised and invalidated my grief. It's been 2 years, I should be over talking about it by now, apparently.<br /><br />I see this ignoring of death and grief reflected in people's insistence on referring to death as 'passing away', and for that reason it makes me want to grab people and go "My mother did not pass anywhere. She died. She is gone. It hurts, still. Stop pretending it's not real and acknowledge death, damnit."tatjnahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10230658098278807203noreply@blogger.com