tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8770341086445997547.post5144840573913311208..comments2023-10-07T22:37:49.244+13:00Comments on The Hand Mirror: just say no thank youkatyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15742280289613450293noreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8770341086445997547.post-17218437350947817482012-06-16T00:16:01.884+12:002012-06-16T00:16:01.884+12:00While sorry you feel stressed stargazer, realise i...While sorry you feel stressed stargazer, realise it is rare that a person cannot say "Stop" "I need a break" or even "I quit" at any moment when things get too much regarding leadership. Basically, you probably could say "NO!" right now. <br /><br />But also realise the people (who you are angry at but who you acknowledge have kept their word on support) may have seen some greatness in your that you may not see or know yourself.<br /><br />Also remember: 'As Shakespeare wrote in Twelfth Night, “Some achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them.” When an initially disinclined individual makes the conscious choice to step forward and lead,he or she generates an unusually pure commitment. It’s decidedly different than someone who seizes an opportunity assuming that they should lead, or that being at the top is the only end-game worth achieving.' (From European CEO Leadership "The Reluctant Leader") There are examples of many reluctant leaders who have changed the world. Perhaps you will be one.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8770341086445997547.post-12294191479999063172012-06-15T19:11:28.050+12:002012-06-15T19:11:28.050+12:00I agree with your post, stargazer. As a recovering...I agree with your post, stargazer. As a recovering people pleaser myself, I can identify with your challenges. Have fun with your new-found NO-ness. <br /><br />In my opinion, though, you may have been be too generous with the thank you tacked on the end of your no. You know these people and yourself better than me, so you can decide. Let me run some ideas past you and see how they sit. When I read this bit: <br /><br />“…it's because the people around actually knew that i didn't want to take on this role - they knew it quite clearly. there was no ambiguity, because i'd been quite clear on the matter. but they chose not to respect my feelings, they chose not to respect my boundaries. they didn't ask me about how much stress i was already under, and whether or not i was going to cope with the additional workload…” <br /><br />I wondered if you might have overlooked a valuable technique: say yes, then don’t follow through. In the above quote, you identify some really unpleasant traits. Those people demonstrated zero respect for you, every intention of ramming through their own agenda, making a joke of your quiet refusal and offering the insidious consolation of “support” in something you don’t want to do. You are being asked to suppress your true feelings at your cost, for their gain. You’re being asked to be a macho man. Even if they are ignorant enough to not know what they are doing, you are engaged in emotional warfare there. As a general warning to back off, they at least deserve to get the run around. You are clearly a more forgiving person than me.<br /><br />Ideals of extreme and unbalanced masculinity caused me all kinds of trouble and I’m a man. For women to be forced into it must be complete hell. I hope you have a plan to keep yourself safe. I understand the context of a workplace makes it another level of complexity, but is there a way to become undependable in a constructive way? If you harbour any ambitions within mainstream culture, could you examine those for alternatives that make you less appealing to manipulators? Saying no all the time could open you up to the hogwash of being labelled “not a team player”, but use an apparently undesirable weakness as a weapon and there’s nothing for manipulators to grab onto. Nothing undermines patriarchal utilitarianism like the apparent “uselessness” of stereotypically “feminine” unpredictable flighty behaviour. Smoke and mirrors. Use their stupidity against them! Why extend respectful behaviour by asserting our exact position to manipulators who will use everything we give against us? Is there an alternative that addresses a pre-disposition to be weak (for people like me) with the socially learned idea that everyone should be straight-up and strong? Would it be right, even as an interim measure, to save assertive, clear communication for people who can be trusted or who are not a direct threat, while confuse and repulse those who demonstrate emotionally abusive techniques, utilising our inherent ability to appear “flighty”? No one wants to give extra work to those who don’t do it, or do it poorly, right? <br /><br />If saying no thank you works for you, I’m glad. But I’m also concerned that a mental leap from submissive to assertive is too sudden for some and could cause emotional loose ends or conceal what they might need to personally find. In a world that takes what it wants when it wants, the idea of being an isolated bastion of dependability, good manners and masculine assertiveness may have limited value. Ideals and hope couldn’t protect me. No one can stand up to the world on their own. Adopting the “strength doctrine” put me in a frame of mind that my “weakness” was to be discarded and sneered at. But if it was an inherent part of me, why was I being trained to reject it, tearing myself apart? It does have a place and I have no hesitation in unleashing my flighty undependability to protect myself. It doesn’t bother me if people think poorly of me – just filters out the idiots faster. Best of luck with your efforts.casual observernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8770341086445997547.post-27838261487003583272012-06-15T11:03:36.632+12:002012-06-15T11:03:36.632+12:00Absolutely true stargazer. Learning to say "N...Absolutely true stargazer. Learning to say "No thank you" with a polite smile has got me out of the cycle of constantly attending events I didn't want to. And I feel more honest than umming and ahhing and half way committing to spare others feelings.<br /><br />Power to you Tamara, if they know what respect feels like now, their expectations of good treatment will be set for life. That will ripple out to all the people around them as they grow, awesome.Lawhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12108954389763840235noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8770341086445997547.post-75843181278319457812012-06-15T09:51:32.261+12:002012-06-15T09:51:32.261+12:00Thanks for this post. Saying "No" is de...Thanks for this post. Saying "No" is definitely a feminist issue. And a parenting issue. I am trying to raise my children to respect other people's boundaries and that means us respecting theirs. It's quite a tough balance, respecting a child's decision while making sure they are looked after. That's where it starts though.Tamaranoreply@blogger.com