changing names

there's this whole discussion happening about women changing their names after marriage, again.  there's a good rundown of how this discussion started & how it developed here (via here).

mostly i feel really bemused by these discussions and how much passion the issue generates.  i've noticed that posts on the topic tend to be some of the most commented on, it seems to be a thing on which everyone has a really decisive opinion which they don't hesitate to share.

it has traditionally been a western issue.  for many women in the east, changing names was never a thing.  you got given your name at birth and that was the name you had until you died.  and naming conventions also vary in the east.  for many cultures, there isn't any such thing as a surname or family name.  you have your own name(s), and this may be connected to your father's name, or not; it may be connected to the name of the village/district where you were born, or not.  but it's not necessarily a name that passed on from generation to generation, and certainly not something that needs to be changed on marriage.

but globalisation has tended to change some of that.  because many eastern cultures absorbed the notion that western cultures were more advanced and modern, they have adopted some of the cultural norms of the west.  with the result that women who were never expected to change their names on marriage are now pressured to do so.  the societal pressure that was so absent is now building & has been for some time now.

for women of eastern heritage growing up in the west, the pressure is pretty much the same as women of western heritage.  women who migrated to western countries were forced to take their husbands names in order to enter the country.  they weren't allowed a choice, there was no respect for nor even acknowledgement of their own traditions.  and many of their sons and daughters have lost the knowledge that women kept their own names as of right.  so often, it's not a topic of discussion but just a given that the name change will happen.

for me, it's that loss of our traditions, that pressure to absorb a cultural practice that is not authentic  to me nor of any value, that rankles the most.  it's the fact that i had to battle a borrowed pressure (as if we didn't have enough of our own to push back against) that totally annoys me.  at the heart of it is the hypocrisy: so many oppressive cultural traditions that need to go are defended on the basis that they are "traditional", but when you try to use the argument that name-changing on marriage isn't "traditional" for us, was never part of our culture, then suddenly "tradition" doesn't matter anymore.  heads i win, tails you lose.

i don't believe in shaming women for choosing to change their names, just as i hate any kind of societal pressure or expectation that they must or should change their names.  in an ideal world, women would be able to make that decision without being judged for it.  and we certainly wouldn't have to be drawn in to face pressures created by other cultural traditions, as an act of cultural domination.

i have given you my soul; leave me my name!

[crossposted]

i've been inspired by annanonymous' post on naming to reflect on my own choices of names as a parent. she makes the point that:

The names which top the 2011 lists are indeed fairly middle class, and the trends in their popularity suggest that 'generic' is what parents are after: they're choosing names that don't stand out too much. There's actually a lot of comfort in conformity.

while this may be true of the western world, the opposite seems to be the case in the indian subcontinent (and particularly india & pakistan). of course i don't have research to back this up, only my own personal experience. but that experience strongly suggests that having a unique name is the over-riding factor for this group of parents. they will try to find a name that no-one has heard of.

i wonder if this is because families are generally so much larger there, so the likelihood of a name being used by cousins, nephews, neices, uncles, aunties, brothers and sisters for their own children are pretty high. since they don't want to have double-ups with relatively close relations, they try to find something unusual.

since there's such a variety of names anyway, based on the many languages and historical influences, no-one actually cares if a name is easy to spell. also, many naming traditions in the region don't include a "family" name - there isn't a common name that everyone in the same family has. so there isn't that sense of conformity that you might find in a western tradition.

which is not to say that there aren't rules. giving names is a very serious matter for muslims. there are quite a body of writing and thought around giving names to children. the name should be one that has historical significance - ie one that was held by a person of good quality who led an exemplary life. hence why the most popular boys name in the world is mohammad (in many spelling variations), though very few of them are actually called by that name. it just forms a part of their full name. as a side note, i've often wondered why christians in the english-speaking world don't use "jesus" as a name much more often. it seems to be used in the latino culture a lot more.

names should also have a good meaning and not be an embarassment to the child. in fact, it's seen as the right of a child that the parents should choose a decent and sensible name. so, even if names are chosen because they are unique or unusual, parents in the indian subcontinent do make an effort to ensure that it won't be a cause of ridicule. not that i believe anyone should be ridiculed because of their name, but i guess it's a protection of the diginity of the child.

a name is the most important part of a person's identity, but one that they initially don't get to choose. and while many do choose to change it in later life, most commonly married women in the west, that initial name does seem to form a part of who you are or how you are defined. there isn't really any other way to do it - children aren't able to make a decision about it until they are at least a few years old, and at that age are likely to make a decision they'll regret later in life. so one of the most important things about you is beyond your control, at least for quite a few years. and even then, changing a given name is likely to cause some hurt to the parents who took the time to choose it for you.

names are such a contentious issue - any post about changing names on marriage will often be attract the most comments on feminist websites. it's something that many of us intrinsically place a lot of value on. it's something about us that we want other people to get right. i think my name is pretty simple, being only 5 letters, but i keep a list of all the ways people manage to get my name wrong when i say it to them over the phone. it includes angie, angela, eugene, as well as some not so nice ones. and i make an effort to say it very slowly and carefully, because i know that as soon as people hear the first syllable, they stop listening and assume the rest. the fact that i have a very kiwi accent and they can't see i'm a woman of colour helps in their assumption that i have a traditional european name.

the pronunciation of such a simple name is also an issue. the average nz'er wants to say the first syllable with the same pronunciation as the word "an" as in "an apple", though the correct pronunciation is "un" as in "unforgettable". the second syllable comes out as "jim" even though it's quite clearly spelt "jum" and i take the trouble to say it that way. i certainly don't mind people who make a first attempt without having heard me say it getting it wrong. but it does bother me when i've said it for them, slowly and clearly, and they insist on saying it wrong. grrr.

as for my own children, i bucked the trend of unusual names to go for very traditional and common ones for my own children. in fact, i decided on the name for my first child when i was 15 years old, having read about the most famous historical figure to hold the name, and admiring her greatly.

it is apparently traditional in some cultures for the paternal grandparents to choose the name, or for the father to do it. i find this really difficult - my own position was that i was the one who had gone through all the pain and hardship of bearing and giving birth to this child, which should surely result in my having the right to choose the name. pretty one-sided i guess, but at the time, i felt really strongly about it and couldn't have borne the thought of someone else choosing a name for my babies.