Content Warning Rape Culture

I've very carefully been avoiding reading any detail about the pro-rape Return of Kings hate group.  I'm sure there are lots of other people doing the same.  Too hard, too awful, too difficult to do while being functional in daily life.  So what I have to offer is probably not as useful or considered as many of the other excellent pieces of writing I've been turning away from.

What I want to mention is how when something like this sparkles and shines above the normally opaque surface of rape culture, above the grime and darkness of everyday attitudes toward women that enable most rape, and sexism, we go for it instantly, dispose of it vigorously and then, for some, rest, reassured that we did our bit.

It's good that we respond to these overt threats, that we call them out as unacceptable.  We should do that.  I'm particularly heartened to see men strongly rejecting pro-rape views, alongside many of marginalised genders.   There are peaceful anti-misogyny rallies happening in Auckland and Wellington this weekend, for a public show of opposition, and it is great to see these continue in broader rejection of rape culture now that the Return of Kings public meet-ups have been cancelled.

The very idea of anyone being "pro-rape" reminded me of the (probably apocryphal but nonetheless) chilling jus primae noctis or Right of the First Night.  For those not keen to follow the link (which is a Wikipedia article) the general idea is that the feudal lord gets to rape new brides on their wedding night, before the marriage can actually be consummated with the new husband.  This has come up as a practice in Game of Thrones, and appears not to have been an actual codified right as such, but it does seem very aligned with long standing views of women as the property of men, and the exercise of power over other men by damaging or claiming such property.

Think, if you will, of modern cults in which the leader is entitled to rape any girl or woman they wish, and it is to be seen as an honour by the victim and her family.    Consider the practice of slut-shaming, and how women are valued by their sexual attractiveness while simultaneously judged for enjoying sex, particularly sex outside the bounds of holy monogamous matrimony, as if sex were something not just for men.  Reflect on the threats of rape directed at women who speak out online, or do not comply with instructions from men in their lives; for me the most terrifying moment of the whole of Firefly/Serenity is when Jubal Early threatens to rape Kaylee (note, he then goes on to use a threat to rape Kaylee to gain power over a male character too).

Imagine what it is to live your everyday life knowing that someone you interact with holds the view that you are available to be raped by them at any time.  That shouldn't be too hard for many people, as it is not a million miles from the Schrodinger's Rapist reality for pretty much anyone of a marginalised gender and/or sexuality.

So as we oppose Return of Kings, their hate and their wrongness and their fear, let us also look beyond them in their shiny coat of misogyny to the darkness behind.  That darkness is harder to see, harder to make visible to everyone else, harder to clean away, but still we should scrub at it.  It is built of years and years of rape culture based on the inferiority of women, of pretty much anyone who isn't in the traditionally powerful demographic of a society.  Layers are created from rape jokes, specks added by #EverydaySexism such as "male nurse" and "lady driver", larger blobs slathered on by discrimination that still keeps many out of the professions they would seek on the basis of their genitalia.

We chip off the sparkle of Return of Kings, and we keep chipping, keep scrubbing, keep cleaning, until it is all gone.

Telling stories about rape

Former All Black Mils Muliaina was arrested last night in connection with a sexual assault in Wales in March.  It's very early days, with no information about the allegation having been made public yet.  When sexual violence is reported in the UK, their justice system does a better job than ours, with 63% of rape cases and 76% of other sexual assault cases resulting in conviction.  (Just to remind ourselves, in Aotearoa just 13% of sexual violation cases reported to Police result in conviction).
This post isn't about that though.  It's about how we tell stories about rape.

In 2013, research from the specialist sexual violence sector looking at how the media report on sexual violence in Aotearoa showed some disturbing stuff: journalists do not understand the law and they do not interview experts, with no articles featuring commentary from specialist academics or researchers and just 8% featuring commentary from community experts.

This means that our news is full of rape myths, because journalists are like everyone else - they grow up in our rape culture.  Despite the importance of the role of the mainstream media in educating the public about sexual violence, the only compulsory reading for student journalists in New Zealand features just three sentences about sexual violence in a 453 page book, and they are not helpful for unlearning rape myths (my emphasis):

“It is illegal to report the victims’ names in any sex crime; it can be unethical and untasteful to describe a sexual crime in graphic detail. It is particularly important to be cautious about taking sides in the reporting: with emotions running high, false complaints are often made regarding sexual offences. Both sides can be very believable in their differing accounts.”

For the record, Police estimate 8% of reports about sexual violence they receive are false.   It's far more common for people to choose not to report to the Police - just one in ten survivors report.  Both of these figures come from New Zealand Police, that bastion of feminist activism.

The media research identified six key areas where newspaper reporting could be more accurate.  As the most fulsome report is at Stuff, that's where I'm looking.

• Sexual violence is not “just sex”
• It is rare for a survivor to lie about being raped

Stuff doesn't call what has happened "sex".  Yet.  Watch this space.  It does, however, set the scene for the night in question like this:

 But rugby-mad Cardiff is a renowned party town, and the Welsh capital comes alive after a big match.

Come alive with the raping, Stuff?  Or is there already an inference that what happened may not be that serious?  Maybe the person calling this sexual assault - who we know nothing about, yet - confused partying with sexual assault?

• Violent stranger danger sexual violence is rare
• Unfortunately, rapists do not stand out 

There's nothing yet about the third point.  If this myth gets played up, it will reflect in later coverage describing all the ways Mr Muliaina is not a violent stranger - if the victim isn't physically hurt say, if there were no weapons involved - there will be implications that what happened probably wasn't sexual assault.  Despite the fact that perpetrators more typically use alcohol, coercion and isolation to rape - not physical force.  If the person alleging the sexual assault knew Mr Muliaina, of course this would make the sexual assault more typical - despite rape myths to the contrary - too.

This case has hit the headlines because Mr Muliaina is good at rugby.  So he stands out in that way, and we hear about what a popular All Black he was, that he's married with a son, that he has "silky" skills and a gold medal.  We know which teams he's played for and his solicitor and agent have both been quoted by Stuff.  

One of the ways news stories do a real disservice to communities around sexual assault is when they give a distorted view about people who rape.  Unfortunately, rapists can be good at sport, they can be fathers and husbands and medal winners.  They nearly always have other people in their lives who say good things about them.  Even though it would be handy, no rapists have it tattooed on their foreheads.  So while we will no doubt hear from many, many people how wonderful Mr Muliaina is over the next few weeks, none of this means he did not commit sexual assault. To decide that, we'll have to hear about his understanding of consent and his behaviour that night.

• Being raped is worse than being accused of rape
• Sexual violence has no excuses 

We know nothing about how the person alleging sexual assault is doing from the Stuff article, whether they are experiencing all of the symptoms associated with trauma that are common for survivors.  Panic attacks.  Depression.  Anxiety.  Insomnia.  Eating disruption.  Alcohol and substance misuse.  Fear.  

We do know:

The arrest could spell the end for the 34-year-old's 15-year career playing top-level rugby, just a week after he signed a fresh deal with Italian side Zebre. 

We also know that Mr Muliaina's agent was "shocked" and his coach "stunned".  We know he was "hauled away" by police "in the full glare of news cameras".  Police, apparently, "pounced without warning."  

So we already know this has been awful for Mr Muliaina.  

We also already have a handy excuse lined up.  Not only is Cardiff a party town, coming alive, but Mr Muliaina has a historic problem with alcohol.  

____________________________________________________________________________

The coverage of this case isn't gold star awful.  Yet.  But Stuff have made a valiant effort to shore up several of the myths New Zealand news coverage suffers from.  Let's hope the rest do better.  

Undoing rape culture, one sports field at a time

This week we got the chance to see a key plank of rape culture in practice.

Masculinity cultures in men's sports, or rather the dominant men's sports, are without doubt some of the most important ways we learn what it means to be male.  Boys shouldn't "throw like a girl"; you must "toughen up, man up, harden up"; and instead of sports being a contest of skill and athleticism, we are taught to consider them battles, where the toughest of male warriors play on through the pain barrier or they are a "wuss".

So when Australian Rugby superstar David Pocock condemns homophobia he's breaking some masculinity rules and that's a fine thing.  More interestingly though, in this case, is the fact that Mr Pocock broke a key support for rape culture - "what happens on the field stays on the field."

The Sydney Morning Herald says their website comments have been loaded with ugly sentiment: 

"Has sport come to this? I don't agree with comments like that, but neither do I agree with making such an issue of it. Pocock knows the player(s) involved, and he'd be better served having a stern word to them during the game, or after the game. To bring the referee into it is unnecessary, in my view, although I'm sure plenty of the PC crowd will disagree."

Almost immediately, there were people predicting that David Pocock would not captain the Wallabies again.  Pocock was public in his support of Marriage Equality, and recently chained himself to a digger to protest mining in state forests in New South Wales.  He's a man who cares about the world, and isn't afraid to show what he stands for.  This didn't matter to rugby fans or the rugby hierarchy when he wasn't breaking the "what happens on the field stays on the field" rule, because he's a brilliant, brilliant player who wins rugby matches.

Now that he's naming other men's bad behaviour on the field though, he's fair game.  This isn't about the content of the naming - he could have been talking about sexism, racism or homophobia - it's about masculinity and rape culture.

Men consistently overestimate other men's use of and support for gendered violence.  Related to this, men consistently underestimate other men's willingness to stand up to gendered violence, which limits their own willingness to intervene.  Put together, these two planks of what men think masculinity means make it harder for men to stand up to other men when they behave badly.

To end rape culture, that's precisely what we need.  It's not enough, if you're a man who wants to end rape culture, to ensure you actively seek and give consent in your own relationships.  You'll have much better relationships and be a more decent human being, but undermining rape culture means undermining masculinity values which say solidarity with other men is the most important thing.  There are always more men watching than participating in gendered violence.  If those watchers become challengers, gendered violence becomes far more difficult to perpetrate.  "What happens on the field stays on the field" is offensive primarily for the fear it engenders in men challenging other men.

That's why David Pocock should be applauded this week.  He's showing all men that calling out other men's bad behaviour is possible, even in the most sanctified of masculinity shrines, the sports field.  Imagine if other man always did that every time another man made a rape joke; sexually harassed bar staff; groped someone at a gig; put their partner down; threatened or acted out violence towards others for being queer or Black or feminine?  We'd have an end to rape culture before we knew it. 

Roast Busters report from IPCA is scathing

Some quick links:

Release from NZ Police - Young women to receive apology for shortcomings...

Herald report - IPCA: Police "let down" Roast Busters alleged victims

The report itself - (links for PDFs in first paragraph on this page at IPCA website)

Quick comment from me:  It appears that the police involved made a major (and to my mind inexplicable) mistake in somehow deciding that rape law only targeted consenting partners (WTF!), and because the law says you can't consent if you are under 16 somehow you also can't be raped?

Here's a sample from the report, in relation to the lack of consideration of rape charges:

Sexual conduct with a young person under 16 

84. Under section 134 of the Crimes Act 1961, everyone who has a sexual connection with, or does an indecent act on, a young person (under the age of 16 years) has committed an offence and is liable to a term of imprisonment (see paragraph 132). There is no question that these young men were aware that the young women involved in the six cases investigated by CPT staff were under 16 years. As a result of their interaction with Police officers, it is also evident that several of the young men (certainly by the time the investigation into Case 1 had concluded) were aware that they were committing an offence, irrespective of their own ages. 

85. Critically, the offence of ‘sexual conduct with a young person under 16’ did not require Police to determine whether there was consent. They merely had to prove that sexual connection had occurred and that the complainant was under 16 at the time. Clearly, therefore, the evidential threshold for prosecution was met. The only question for the Police was whether it was in the public interest to prosecute.
86. The Authority recognises that it is uncommon for Police to prosecute a young person under section 134 for sexual connection with a person of the same or a similar age. This is because often such cases involve two young people, close together in age, who are engaging in mutually consenting sexual activity, and it is determined by Police that the public interest is not served by prosecution. 

87. It is clear that this general thinking underpinned the approach taken by the officers in these cases. Indeed, Officer D told the Authority that he and Officer C determined that prosecutions under section 134 were “inappropriate” because two of the three young men were under 16 at the time of the offending. He added that section 134 is intended for “consenting parties” and that, if it had been used to bring a prosecution in Case 3, it would have implied that the Police did not believe the victim’s initial account that she was not consenting. 

88. The Authority does not accept the validity of this reasoning, as there were a number of aggravating features in these cases that should have prompted consideration of such a prosecution. In four of these cases the young women were between two and three years younger than the young men involved. They were vulnerable (due to factors such as their level of intoxication); the extent to which they were willing parties was at best equivocal; and they Section 127 of the Act states, “There is no presumption of law that a person is incapable of sexual connection because of his or her age.”  The young men involved in these cases were aged between 14 and 17 years at the time of the incidents. 2424 were subject to sexual acts by more than one young man. The behaviour of the young men was demonstrably unacceptable and required a response. 

89. In our view, the fact that the parties are close together in age, while a relevant factor, is not determinative. Moreover, it is perverse to conclude that a prosecution for sexual violation cannot be brought because there is insufficient evidence to prove lack of consent beyond reasonable doubt, but then to reject a prosecution under section 134 on the basis that it would imply the existence of consent. The reality is that a prosecution under section 134 says nothing about the presence or absence of consent, because it is simply irrelevant to the facts that need to be proved.
90. At the least, officers should have discussed this option with victims and explained the implications to them. They were remiss in failing to do so.

Que ne CERA pas, CERA

Why do you go to work?

No, really, take your time.

Because in all the commentary from Roger Sutton about how much he "deeply regrets" he didn't "find out earlier" that his behaviour at work, where he held ultimate power, was unacceptable, no one is talking about what work is for.

It's where we go to earn enough money to eat, pay our rent, look after ourselves and people we care about.  If we're lucky, we might be working somewhere which makes our heart sing, but ultimately it's about survival.

We do not go to work to listen to sexist jokes.  Outside of the sex industry, we do not go to work to have our bodies or our sexual attractiveness commented on or assessed.  We do not go to work to be patronised as women through the use of unwanted, demeaning words.  We do not go to work to be touched in any way by someone else without our consent. 

Some male commentators are terrified Roger Sutton's decision to resign will mean an end to ordinary workplace interaction. 

Here's the thing.  If Roger Sutton's behaviour is your idea of ordinary workplace interaction, then yes, you need to change.

We've had the excuses.  He's nice.  His wife likes him.  This is all a bit silly and goes a bit too far.  It's just hugs from the boss, isn't it?

In my first paid job, I sold sports gear in an old-fashioned sportshop. 

When I was 16, on a slow day over the holidays, my boss made a "joke" in front of  three others.  "You're going to have to go out the front, Luddite, and show a bit of leg."

I liked my boss.  I liked working with his son (my age), his daughter (a couple of years older) and his wife, who did the books.

I said "Fuck off." (Young, impetuous, not the suave control of language I have now).

There was a stunned silence.  I walked to the back of the shop, shocked, angry, upset, sure I was going to get fired.

He apologised to me later that day, and told me what he'd said had been inappropriate.  I apologised for telling him to fuck off, but said I'd not liked what he said.  It never happened again.

That's a good employer response to sexual harassment in the workplace.  Taking responsibility, apologising, and never doing it again.

Not giving an unauthorised account of your version of events to a press conference.  Not continuing to plug yourself all over the media.  Not talking about how hard you work in your very hard job.

Rape culture tells us that nice men don't do yucky stuff.  Rape culture tells us that victims lie and exaggerate.  Rape culture tells us feminists go too far with their overemphasis on consent and power.

Respect to the woman who made this complaint, it was brave and I have no doubt, necessary for her wellbeing at work.  Respect to my fellow bloggers, pushing back against rape culture.  Respect to everyone out there challenging their friends, family and colleagues when they hear this sexual harassment being minimised.

We don't go to work for this.

rape culture in canada looks very much like rape culture here

[trigger warning for many of the links which describe some pretty violent behaviour]

i had a bit of spare time yesterday, and instead of catching up on my to-do list, i started catching up on my blog reading.  and i came across the rape allegations against a canadian radio broadcaster by name of jian ghomeshi.  if you haven't heard about the case, there's a detailed backgrounder here. 

short version: mr gomeshi runs a very successful radio show on canadian broadcasting corporation (CBC).  friday week he gets suspended.  last sunday he got fired.  he does a pre-emptive facebook post, trying to explain away a newspaper article he knows is going to be published about his violent sexual & physical assaults (the freelance reporter has been in contact with him over several months).

in the initial articles, four women tell their stories of harrowing encounters, anonymously.  they choose to remain anonymous because they fear the public backlash, they know that mr gomeshi is in a position of power & has considerable wealth, and they also have BDSM discussions via text that they know will be used by people to dismiss the stories.  it's as if they are perfectly aware of the way society treats women who come into the public eye retelling their experience of sexual assualt.

oh wait, there is a woman who did in fact tell such a story about mr ghomeshi, without revealing his name but giving enough details for people to identify him. and here is what happened to her:

“In the days that followed, Ciccone received hundreds of abusive messages and threats. An online video calling her a ‘scumbag of the Internet’ has been viewed over 397,000 times.”

i'd recommend clicking through to read the full article for examples of what has been happening to other women, particularly in relation to #gamergate.

the initial responses were pretty concerning.  last monday (when the canadian star article appeared) and tuesday, there was pretty wide support for mr ghomeshi & some of the fears of the anonymous women were played out.  why didn't they go to the police?  this was all a result of an ex-girlfriend seeking revenge on mr ghomeshi (his own framing in the facebook page).  he is such a nice guy.

but by thursday, 4 more women shared their stories via the star.  another woman chose to anonymously share her story in a CBC interview. 2 women give their names when relating their experiences, one an actress, another a lawyer.  a twitter account is found that alleged sexual violence back in april.

finally, after so many other women speak out, there are multiple investigations.  the CBC has launched an independent investigation, since 2 women staff members are amongst those who have come out in public to share stories of sexual harassment.  the police finally announced they were launching an investigation, although to date they haven't spoken to mr ghomeshi nor have they laid charges.  carlton university has launched an investigation as they are concerned about the safety of women students who had field placements at CBC.

mr ghomeshi's PR firm has dumped him as has his agent, and those early prominent supporters are now backtracking and apologising.

so.  the initial reaction is still a concern.  then there is the shaming and harassment of women who make complaints.  as others have stated, questions need to be asked of the CBC who received a sexual harassment complaint several years ago.  how much did they know about his activities, and how much was covered up.  it appears that there were a lot of rumours swirling around about mr ghomeshi, and yet no concrete action was taken.

there is a real concern that these women didn't feel safe enough to come forward with a complaint.  it says a lot about the canadian justice system, it also says a lot about the culture and online harassment (which can quickly turn into real life harassments when the attackers target workplaces & publish home addresses etc).

i can't help but draw parallels with nz and the roastbusters case, along with so many others. the same basic issues are at play here.  in canada, there is some real anger which may result in positive change at a structural level.  we are still waiting for any significant changes to happen here, although i am hopeful that there will some decent educational programmes running in high schools soon.

but we need so much more.

*****************************************

there are few other links that are well worth a read: this is also a good summary of the case; this piece looks at the possibility of narcissism; actually a good piece around the BDSM issues; and john scalzi makes some good points.

The secrets that we keep

Note:  Recently I've been watching Downton Abbey, and I'm up to Season 4.  I'm not going to put any spoilers in the post, but there may end up being some in comments, and I wanted to acknowledge upfront what's prompted me to write this.  Content warning for discussion of rape, consent, secret keeping.

As I've aged I've become privy to secrets I was oblivious to.  I discovered, to give but one example, that my family is riddled with adoption stories, some good some not so good.  Every adult in my parents' generation, on both sides of my family, has either adopted a child or had a child adopted, and in one case both.  I'm pretty sure that has all come out now, into the open, but I could well be wrong.  These are stories with their origins in the 1960s, mostly, and some of the people involved are unknown to me or have died, so I'll never know it all.  These aren't secrets anymore, and they were the unacknowledged realities of others, not me.

The difficulty I'm musing on is in relation to the secrets of other people, and how those of us who keep them are obligated, or not, to disclose them.

Take a situation where you're aware that someone is a sexual predator.  You're also aware that the person (or people) who you know they have attacked desperately don't want anyone else to know.  You can shun the predator, exclude them from the realms you control, even let them know that you know.  But without broader disclosure other people will be in danger, the predator is unlikely to realise the horrible error of their ways and seek help, the predator is unlikely to be held accountable, other victims you don't know about may feel isolated and at fault.  You end up keeping a secret for a friend, someone viciously attacked and feeling awful, but that advantages the predator, not least with continuing their heinous activity.

Then of course there is the lack of justice in this country (and most others from what I can see) for situations like this.  If I could put my hand on my heart and say please go to the police if you are raped, they will do a good job, then I would.  But I can't.  And so I can understand the decision of those who don't report, knowing how difficult it would be to do so, especially when the person who has attacked them is in their circle, their family, their workplace.

To disclose a secret that belongs to another robs them of agency, and in cases like the example I've given above, and many others, they have already had power stripped from them, and I don't want to contribute to repeating that experience, even in part.

Silence enables abuse to continue.  Yet speaking out is not without cost, not least for those who have already suffered.

I believe Dylan Farrow

I believe Dylan Farrow.

Almost every time I am going to believe the victim rather than accused, when it comes to matters of rape, sexual abuse, abuse of power, and the like.  I think it's important to redress the massive power imbalance in these cases by giving more weight to the voice, the story, the experiences of the victim.  I believe Louise Nicholas too.

I understand that the way the justice system works is different.  Due to the presumption of innocence, currently it seems impossible to give anything approaching equal weight to victim and accused.  Ironically, what does serve to provide some balance are other prejudices coming in to play.  The version of the victim will be considered more believable if they are cis female, white, "presentable", middle-class, virginal/married to someone other than the accused, acted in accepted ways before, during and after being assaulted/abused.  The version of the accused will be discounted in part or whole if cis male, physically powerful, brown, a stranger to the victim, poor, shown to be non-vanilla in sexual preferences and practices.

I can form a different opinion from the verdicts the justice system produces.  I can make up my own mind.  It has no consequences for the legal outcomes if I do.

But, if I can express my belief in the victim and their story in a way they become aware of, or other victims and survivors become aware, then I'm hopeful I'm expressing some solidarity, some support, for them.  That in some small way I am helping to redress the tilt the justice system applies, on a social level if not a legal one.


Comment direction:  I am not interested in debating my central premise here in the comments below, as I believe that could be very harmful to readers.  I'll be deleting comments that denigrate victims, propose that the accused in these cases is the underdog, anything like that.  I am interested in discussion of how we make the justice system fairer in these contexts, up against the (important) presumption of innocence of the accused, and I have no easy answers on that.

some help please

so last year, we had a national day of action against rape culture.  there was a great turnout, and i thought that some of the discussion that happened around it were really useful.  some were pretty frustrating, others were distressing, but on the whole, it seemed like some progress has been made in getting people to understand what rape culture is about and the need to challenge it.

in hamilton, we followed up the march with a public meeting which was quite well attended (over 70 people is really good for hamilton!).  again, there was a feeling that people wanted to take further action, to keep working on challenging that culture & to raise awareness.  and that was really heartening.

our first project for 2014 is having something put into student orientation packs for the university.  we've decided on 3B1 notebooks, with stickers on the front and back - mostly because it's cheap but hopefully effective.

we're now looking at messaging to put on the stickers, and this where i'd really appreciate some help.  i've emailed some people who work in the field & i hope to get some responses in the next few days.  i thought it wouldn't hurt to ask our readers as well, as to what kind of messaging would resonate with young people.  would appreciate your ideas.


while i'm writing, i thought i'd write about the DJ in wellington who made certain racist remarks about indians. as expected, there has been general outrage at the comments.  and i don't disagree with that, they were pretty nasty and unacceptable.  indians aren't any worse or better than anyone else when it comes to groping and inappropriate behaviour at nightclubs or anywhere else.  i'd say it was a pretty common problem across the world.

but in amongst all of the discussion, there was very little talk about the actual harassment and behaviour that goes on in many venues across the country, and by people of all races.  what i didn't see was people talking about the need for venues to have written sexual harassment policies and to enforce them.  any patron or staff members should be able to take a complaint to the venue, there should be an investigation and that should be the basis of anyone being banned. obviously this is work.  and it's much easier to make stereotypical assumptions and ban a whole class of people, rather than taking the time to investigate individual cases.

but i suspect it wouldn't be a whole lot of work.  once a place had gained a good reputation in terms of protecting it's patrons from harassment, people would be much less likely to carry on that kind of behaviour.

it's not like there's no problem with sexual harassment & rape culture when it comes to indians.  just like there is with all communities.  as i wrote in a post last year, we need to start having this conversation across various cultures

the wellington "community leader" who went to talk to the DJ is a facebook friend of mine, and he seems to have had a very productive conversation with some positive outcomes.  which is what i expected because he's a great person.  i just hope that part of the outcomes includes discussions about rape culture and issues of harassment.  because that definitely needs to be part of the conversation & i expect that community leaders in the indian community are really well placed to do that.

keeping up the momentum

we had our national day of action against rape culture.  it was awesome to see so many people out on the streets, raising their voices on this issue.  and it's good to see that there may be some changes to the law as a result of these protests.

but as time goes on & the pressure goes off, it's likely that there will be less change than we hoped for.  this is why we're holding a public meeting in hamilton tomorrow night, to have a discussion on what needs to change & what needs to be improved.  hopefully we can talk about meaningful ways to change both our culture and our institutions.  and hopefully we can come up with some action points to take forward.

it's election year next year, and most parties will be working on policies to take forward into the election.  it's important to make sure that issues around justice & funding in relation to sexual violence & abuse remain at the forefront of policy debates.  if there is a time to push for meaningful change, it's now.

for those of you who are already active in politics & campaigning, please don't let the issues slide.  raise it with your party caucus reps, your party's leadership & those who you know will be active in your party's campaign team.  the amount of discussion and debate that arose out of the "roast busters" incident shows that many, many people care about this stuff, and many people want things to change.

for those who aren't so deeply involved in politics, small acts make a difference.  letters to MPs, letters to the editor, questions at public meetings (& particularly at meet-the-candidates events in the campaign) will help to keep focus on the issues.  it's all basic stuff, the building blocks of any political campaign.

if you need motivation & you haven't read them all, then read through the testimonies of survivors in their own words (huge trigger warning - it's tough reading).  but i think so many of us have our own experiences to draw on.  the problem isn't that we don't care enough, it's that there are so many things to care about, so many fronts that we're fighting on, that we run out of energy.  or sometimes the issues are too triggering, the wounds still too fresh for us to be able to take on activism as well.  i understand that.

for those who do have the energy, and particularly if you're in the waikato, i hope you'll come to the meeting tomorrow night.  i'm a little nervous about it - i hope that the discussion is constructive.  but also pretty excited to have speakers like louise nicholas, dr neville robertson & catherine o'kelly.  here are the full details:

starting a conversation

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Rape Culture: We're soaking in it

NB:  These points may already have been made, and made well, elsewhere. I've been largely keeping away from the Roast Busters stuff as I have other stuff going on currently that leaves me in a bad place to be dealing with that.  Hopefully this adds to the discussion, and the progress we MUST make, rather than just being a repetition.  Strong content warning for sexual violence.

Roast Busters is not new.  It is not some heinous development in human history.  Human history IS Rape Culture.  Rape Culture is a norm of centuries' duration we are trying to change, to overcome.  Well some of us are, anyway.

Rape Culture seems particularly bad right now because you are all seeing it.  It was there all along, so saturating us that it is the air we breathe.

Rape Culture is a society where the first things many people will consider when they hear of a rape include role of alcohol consumed by victim, role of clothes worn by victim, lack of parental supervision of victim,
instead of the reprehensible actions of the rapist.

Rape Culture is a society where victim blaming happens constantly.  Where female friends of the rapists speak out in the media to deny the accusations on their behalf.  Where those female friends may have been raped too, in the same circumstances as those they deny, and they can't face that they were raped too, because that is just too hard to deal with.*

Rape Culture is a society where a public health promotion agency deliberately uses fear of rape to scare women into drinking less alcohol, in the process promulgating a number of really really super unhelpful myths about rape and passing them off as truth.

Most women (and I suspect many men) have rape stories; their own, or those of others who have shared with them, things they have seen, things they themselves have done.  For me they are the stories of others, or near misses, but the chance that I will be raped at some point in my life is really very high - 1 in 4 women and girls in New Zealand have had that awful dehumanising experience.  I read once that 1 in 5 New Zealanders have asthma.  Amongst women being a victim of rape is more common than being asthmatic.

And we don't need more research actually.  There is a whole lot.  I'm not well placed to link, but Scube did, and I'm sure others have heaps of good links they can provide in comments.

What we need is more action.  More action by the State.  NGOs, individuals, groups formal and informal all do what they can, but they do not having the resources, the status or the longevity of central government.  We know enough to act; act effectively, efficiently and make a real difference.  Yet we don't.

We don't when we are the Government.  We don't when we are the Police.  We don't when we are people of high profile with significant media platforms.  Denial is a way of coping, I guess, because otherwise we have to accept that what we did to others could have been rape, what others did to us was rape, what we didn't stop happening to someone we love was rape.  What we allow and even encourage is Rape Culture.

We're soaking in Rape Culture, and it makes it hard to see.  When these moments come we must examine our complicity while we still can, so that once this case has faded we can still see the edges of our own enabling, and stop.



*  I have seen this happen first hand, and have no knowledge that this is at all the case in the Roast Busters situation.

Growing boys, not roast busters

Trigger warning: explicit discussion of rape culture.  I understand in a week with so much victim-blaming littering our media, any mention of sexual violence may be too much, so please be careful.

John Key's response to the gang rape club in Auckland (they call themselves "roast busters") is on the money:

"These young guys should just grow up," Key said this afternoon.

That is the point of this horrific glimpse into the misogyny and sexualising of power over and complete disregard for the personhood of the young women these men have raped - how are our young men growing up?

Let's be clear about this - these young men are bragging about girls as young as 13, about using alcohol to ensure the young women are unable to resist, about knowing the girls are not into what is happening.

They are bragging about raping. 

They are bragging about - and sharing with others - the ways they deliberately, in premeditated ways, over-ride the capacity of others to consent (that's when those others are legally able to consent).

The victim-blaming that has accompanied this - from the New Zealand Police choosing not to act when a 13 year old complained of rape TWO YEARS AGO to the vile commentary from an ill-informed, steeped in rape culture media - illustrates exactly why this gang rape club can exist.

We expect it.  We excuse it.  We tell young men - from the Prime Minister down - that boys will be boys, and if they are behaving badly, maybe we tell them to "grow up".

Well, I don't buy this.  I don't buy the inevitability of "boys being boys".  I don't buy the inevitability of growing boys into men who have no empathy, and no respect, and who prove their masculinity by exerting violence, including sexual violence over others.  I don't buy the inevitability of rape culture.

So Mr Key, to help grow boys into men who do not hurt women or anyone else, let's try getting them early.  Teaching little boys about empathy, teach them to try and imagine, by reading to them and talking to them, how other people feel.  All the time, about everything.  So when they are starting to explore being sexual with other people, that's in their kete of skills.

Let's stop telling little boys, big boys and men to "harden up."  Last week I was playing in my vegetable garden, and the next door neighbour's children were hanging out with me, weeding.  The three year old boy was heaving on some tall weeds, and fell on his bum, face crumpling up.  I asked him if he was ok.  His six year old sister said "Yeah, he's tough."

I said "I think you can be tough, and things can still hurt.  Are you ok?"  And he had a little cry and a little hand squeeze with me, then jumped up to do some more weeding and talk about favourite biscuits (his: tim tams; mine, on that day: toffee pops).

If we encourage boys to express all of the feelings they have - including vulnerability and sadness and sometimes just not knowing - we will grow men who have a range of emotional options available to them, not just anger.  And that will help them navigate the tricky waters of life, where anger being your default expression seldom leads to great relationships.

Let's start telling little boys about what great caring men they can be, and about what great women there are, and about the many and fabulous ways they can express their gender.  The less oppositional this is, the better.  There are no boys and girls toys, just toys.  There are no boys and girls colours, just colours.  There are no boys and girls games, just games.  Pointing out the rules some people have around these things is part of teaching gender literacy, part of making gender norms visible, but it shouldn't be a bible our beautiful children should have to follow.

Let's respect little boys autonomy with their body.  If they are scared and don't want to climb a tree, they don't have to.  How can we expect boys to learn respect around bodies when we too often teach them the exact opposite?

Let's teach boys about consent in everything we do, so by the time they want to be sexual, they know what it means, they know what the absence of it means, and they know how to negotiate with other people.  Let's make sure teaching consent is part of the ways we teach sex education - as opposed to sexist education.

And finally, let's teach little boys to stand up to oppression.  Whether that's their friends bullying other children, or their teacher saying racist things in class, or their sports coach ridiculing queer people, let's teach little boys to say "I don't think that's ok".  Because if one single thing could change rape cultures, it would be men standing up to other men.

I understand how hopeless this gang rape club situation is making people feel about the enormity of rape culture and how steadfastly it is growing in our public institutions, still.  I hope people are taking real care as they negotiate the media this week.  I'm thrilled to see there are protests springing up, all over the country because quite frankly the responses to the gang rape club are truly, truly horrifying.

But in all this, let's not forget - rape is something people learn is ok.  We can unlearn this.  Most people do unlearn this.  To end rape culture we need to grow different rules around masculinity.  We need our young guys to grow up alright - to be men who respect women and other people.

How could this happen? - T/W

T/W - Discusses rape, victim blaming, and the Roast Busters case.

 

How could this happen?

I’ve heard so many people in the last week ask “how could this happen?” “How could this go on for so long?”, “why don’t the girls come forward?” when talking about the news about the repulsive predatory behaviour of a group of young men.

Tragically, they usually answer the question themselves, and in a bitter aftertaste, most don’t even recognise that they are the answer.

The next step in the lunch room conversation is to speculate about the victims of sexual crime, and “young people today”. What women are wearing, where they are going, who they are choosing to hang out with.

Why is the next logical step in breaking down the cause of a crime to look at the victim? Why not the assailant?

Why not our culture, which allows young men to feel so entitled to sex that there is a socially acceptable term for a friendship with a WOMAN WHO WONT HAVE SEX WITH YOU. (Friend zone). Like having a friend is some kind of hardship.

What is wrong with us?

I sort of understand. If we can find some “otherness” about victims, then we can fib to ourselves, and be reassured that if we are not like them, we will not be hurt.

If we jump over cracks, and turn the light switch on and off, cover our knees, and do not wear high heels we will somehow be immune to the Bad Man, who is some mythical boogie monster.

We need to turn 180 degrees, stop investigating the victims like there is some kind of magic thing that makes them a good target, and start looking at why we have young men with repeat predatory behaviour by the time they hit their teens.

Why do men rape is an incredibly complex question, but why do they CONTINUE?

Because they can.

Because the victims are put on trial too.
Because being unable to say no is STILL being treated like the equivalent of yes.
Because people still truly believe that rapists are the bad man in the darkest corner of our public parks or night club.
Because when someone is attacked, we avert our eyes from the normal looking rapist, and speculate on what makes a victim.
Because the victim’s reputation is under attack in the media and their community as much as the perpetrator.

 We are asking the wrong questions. We should be asking what makes a rapist.

If your response to these stories was any question about the nature of the victims YOU are part of what makes attackers stronger, more confident, and more likely to re-offend.

That's how this can happen.

The baying mob, or How I carry a torch.

So, you are horrified by the “Roast Busters”, and want to make a difference, but what can you do?

In my more frustrated moments, I would love to be that person carrying a torch at the front of a baying mob, crying for justice and making a difference to the outcome of a trial of people who have hurt someone else.

But we don’t live in a village of 100 people. These young men are not the only people out there perpetrating sex crimes. And we HAVE a justice system. It is flawed, but we need to use it so the flaws are SEEN, and changed, and our system can evolve with our understanding of right and wrong. An example of this is that rape used to be legal within marriage, and the laws evolved for the better with our societal changes.

We can’t nor should we, start a mob of people, so here are some ideas for how you can be brave, and carry your torch out into the community and really make a difference.

Be the light at the end of the tunnel.

Volunteer. Work on help lines. Or just be a strong and vocal voice for justice so that people see you as a safe refuge or support when they need it. Advocate for friends who need a voice. Speak for those still too traumatised to speak. Hold your friend’s hand when they decide they are brave enough to speak up, or pursue justice.

Be the voice of reality.

This issue is raising the topic of “what could possibly make young men behave this way.”

Remind people that 1 in 4 women are raped. This act is not a rarity and we live in a rape culture.

It is raising the question of “how to avoid being a victim”

Remind people that: most victims know their rapist.

That most rapes occur in thevictim, or rapist’s home.

That the rapist drinking is of more importance than the victim as far as causation.

Be the person brave enough to discuss “consent”.

People are often confused about what rape is. We need to start talking about the fact that rape isn’t what the media tells us.

Its subtle, it’s discreet, it is friends, it is family. It is quiet, it is dangerous, and it is under reported.

 You can inform them that in research when men are asked if they have “raped” most will say no. But when men are asked if they have “forced a woman who was not your wife or girlfriend at the time to have sex,” or if they had ever “had sex with a woman who was too drunk or drugged to indicate whether she wanted it" that answer changes significantly.*

Be the person who knows the facts.

When talking about false reports, there are more false reports for stolen cars than false reports for rape. As a crime it is under reported and really badly dealt with.

                      This image from the USA is incredibly depressing, and NZ is no better off.

Image is from http://theenlivenproject.com/the-truth-about-false-accusation/ 

Be the killjoy.

Be the person at your work, or social gatherings who when someone makes a rape joke, you look blankly at them and ask why it’s funny. If they have to explain it, it becomes apparent very quickly the rape culture we are living in.

Be the support person.

Be the person who listens without judgement, believes the person talking about abuse, and helps them with WHATEVER THEY CHOOSE TO DO.

Be the person advocating body autonomy for the children and young people around you.

Ask before you hug or kiss friends, family or other people you greet.

When kids don’t want to give you a kiss or hug hello or goodbye, say “that’s ok, kisses and hugs are special and we can ALWAYS choose when to give them.” Empower young people to understand that touch is a choice, and their bodies are their own to control.

Be the person supporting those on the front line.

Donate, remind those around you to donate, and when there are competitions for funding, support organisations who help. Thanks to Natalie for this link here, to resources available.

Not everyone can carry every torch and they are ALL important. Support the other torch bearers. Carry someone else’s for a while to lighten their load.  Accept that we will all need to take a break sometimes.

But as long as we are casting light in our own communities, that will spread, and other people will find the strength to start standing with us.

My love to everyone on the front lines.

X

*These quotes are from the WHO study, and are therefore gendered in this way.

Edit: a new post on this topic here at THM in response to the question "how could this happen"

Something is happening here, but you don't know what it is, do you Mr Jones?

Bob Jones: goading feminist bloggers back from self-imposed blogging rest.

Content warning:  this article features repulsive rape excusing, victim blaming, gross inaccuracies about sexual violence, and is likely to be triggering for people who have been raped.  The fact the NZ Herald published it is an absolute disgrace.  The ethical irresponsibility of giving these views oxygen is quite astonishing.  Shame on you, NZ Herald.

The article is called "Rape a risk for those who walk on wild side".  This may be a sub-editing decision to create controversy, rather than Bob Jones having the right to name his own columns.  Either way, it's factually inaccurate.  Statistically speaking, people are more likely to be targetted for sexual violence if they are young (child sexual abuse effects about 1 in 4 girls and, according to international research, 1 in 6 boys); if they are female; if they are trans* or intersex; if they have an impairment/disability; and in Aotearoa, if they are Maori.  Because sexual violence thrives in situations in which there are power imbalances, and because rapists target people they believe will not be credible "victims", rape is a risk wherever power and oppression thrive.

The first few paragraphs feature the casual sexism of both Mr Jones and a Judge calling 18 year old women "girls".  If you don't think this is a big deal, consider how much easier it is to present "girls" as a bit silly, not very thoughtful, a bit infantile. 

Paragraph three has Bob Jones hoping "some awful fate will befall" the man sent to prison.  I assume he wants this man to be raped.  Delightful.

Mr Jones then moves on to call feminist barrister Catriona MacLennan a "girl" too - I wonder when we are allowed to be women, just quietly, as I'm pretty sure Ms MacLennan is a fully fledged grown up - while he ridicules her as childish, and later foolish, for saying she believes women should be able to move about freely without free of rape.

Now all of this is just snide, ridiculing nonsense.  Pretty common strategy for those with power - rich, white, straight cis-men - who don't need to play the issue, because their views are "normal",  they can just ridicule the player.  Bob Jones is telling us "girls" to stop making such a fuss.

Content warning some more.  Mr Jones moves on the describe feminists marching against rapes as "drowning wet parsons and large banner-wielding women, in both cases implausible rape victims, despoiling our streets." 

I'm assuming Mr Jones is saying feminists are ugly (despoiling) and possibly fat (not clear is the large refers to the banner or the woman) and therefore could not possibly be raped.  Feeling personally very pleased I'm not to Mr Jones' taste - being fond of large banners, feminism and indeed other feminists of all shapes and sizes - this is nonetheless, hateful stuff.

Women are not raped because they are thin, or Mr Jones assessed pretty, or carrying a small banner, Mr Jones.  People are raped because they are unlucky enough to be with a rapist.  For any survivor reading this and feeling pain and trauma again because Mr Jones is saying your rape doesn't count, tell him to fuck off in your head.  Tell him to fuck off with your voice.  Tell him to fuck off by feeling the rage in your body and directing it somewhere else, safely.  Your rape counts.  The fact Mr Jones doesn't want some rapes to count tells us volumes about him, and NOTHING about survivors.

The last few paragraphs are all about how inevitable rape is, apparently marches do nothing to stop rape, sanctions against rapists do nothing, gorillas and sparrows rape, rape is as old as "humankind."

Apparently 99.999% of men do not rape.

Mr Jones' pants igniting aside - why go to the bother of looking up rape statistics for Germany to be accurate, if you're going to literally pull a figure out of your arse to make rape look like a tiny problem?  The only purpose this serves is to obscure how common rape is, and how it usually happens.

It's not in dark parks, it's not when we're hitchiking, it's not a stranger.

For women, it's in our home or his.  We know him.  Recent studies about adult sexual assault show that while a small minority of men carry out a large number of rapes, a much larger number of men use sexually coercive behaviours when it suits them, usually with partners.  These acts meet legal definition of rape.

New Zealand studies show child sexual abuse against girls is usually committed by a male family member.  90% of the time it's someone the child or the family knows.  (We don't have comparable studies about child sexual abuse of boys yet.)

This irresponsible steaming pile of rape apologist crap should never have been printed.  Bob Jones can make all the excuses for rape he wants when he's chatting with his other friends who no doubt share his views.  I'm fascinated by men who distort sexual violence in this way, by men who essentially throw up their hands and say I guess rape is always going to happen, oh well.  What is their behaviour like around consent?  What would their partners say?

Rape isn't inevitable.  Treatment programmes with sexual offenders are pretty damn effective, especially when the sexually harmful behaviour is identified early.  Since most offenders begin offending in their teens, some well-placed resources here would literally change our world.  Sexual violence primary prevention programmes which teach skills in negotiating consent and help young people navigate the harmful gender norms around learning to be sexual are also effective, and should be part of our education system.

This large banner waving feminist is going to keep despoiling our streets.  That's a promise, Mr Jones.  Right up until when we don't need to anymore, because rape is seen as the despicable violation it is, however it happens.

Love and solidarity to survivors everywhere.

A few words about rape

Content warning:  This is about rape and the injustice of it, and stupid stupid rape culture that means many keep asking the wrong questions, and may be triggering for some readers. 

Most people seem to be having the wrong conversation about rape.  Too often the discussion ends up being about the person who was raped; what they wore, what they were drinking, their sexual history, where they were, their relationship to the person who raped them, so on and so forth.  As if my examining the minutiae of the lives of those who have been raped we can somehow find out how to stop rape.

It's the wrong end of the stick, and I know this will be 101 for many readers and bloggers here, but sadly it's still the only end of the stick for many in the media, figures of authority, radio hosts, and politicians. 

The problem does not lie with the people who get raped.  It never did, never has, never will.  You can examine them as much as you like, but you will never find a solution because you are asking the wrong question to the wrong people.

What we need to be talking about, again and again, is WHY PEOPLE RAPE.  Why do some people want to have sex with someone who isn't consenting?  What's going on in their head that that is ok and even desirable?  Is their decision-making impaired by alcohol or another substance?  Are they callous and narcissistic?  Do they actively want to have power over another to make up for some hole inside themselves?  Do they think that is how you show someone you love them, because that's what they've seen as a child? 

We must ask, and answer, these questions not to excuse the rapist, to minimise the rape, but to work out what the hell is going on that there are some people who think sex without consent is a good thing, something they need in their lives, or how we produced people who care so little about other human beings that consent is irrelevant to them. 

We can do this, we just need to decide, resource it and see it through.  There are a lot of NGOs and agencies doing incredibly valuable work at low levels, but it needs the omph of state support in my opinion.  Not likely currently, but absolutely essential to seriously tackle this really crucial issue that just gets put away in the One Day When We've Solved Everything Else file far too often.

Rape culture enables us to put it away, to forget about it, to put it back to the bottom of the pile time and again.  Rape culture allows us to Do Something about rape by actually doing very little at all.  Rape culture has to go. 

I'm keen to raise my kids to Not Rape.  But I don't have all the tools I need to do that because there isn't a focus on this side of the equation.  I'm teaching them to have agency over their bodies, to respect other people, to stop being so damn bossy (that one serves many purposes), and I hope I'm helping them to develop empathy.   I worry this isn't enough.  I do fear that my children might get raped one day, but ultimately that wouldn't be their fault, as terrible as it would be, and is thus largely out of their control, and mine as their parent.  What I can hopefully assist with is teaching them to respect others' bodies and choices, actively seek consent, and develop empathy for those around them.  That I can take some responsibility for. 

Rape is a horrible word, describing a hideous thing.  But we don't make it go away by not saying it, by not talking about how and why it happens and who does it.

Guestie: Babe of the Day

Thanks to Maus for writing and submitting this. Readers may also be interested in an alternative set up just last night:"NZ Misogynist of the Day.".

In the past month or so there have been several ‘Babe of the Day’ facebook pages popping up. The worst offenders seem to be the universities, although some of the more questionable pages such as ‘New Zealand Pair of the day’ and ‘WINZ babe of the day’ have their authors and affiliations hidden. I was recently approached by TV3’s nightline for a feminist opinion on these pages, and although I gave a fairly lengthy and detailed report of the problems associated with the pages, it was boiled down to ‘Angry feminists are killjoys’, and I was subsequently told across various social mediums that I didn’t like them because I was ugly. Of course.

The biggest problem is the lack of consent. These pages are created without the subjects consent; in fact on many of them, you are unable to nominate yourself. So we have pictures of girls, taken from their private facebook pages, and posted for all to see, and for all to ‘appreciate’. In fact, on the most recent ‘New Zealand Pair of the day’ page, out of the eight pictures posted, four have the subjects asking the pictures to be taken down, something the moderators ignored. When I posted under these comments telling the girls that although facebook doesn’t care about sexual harassment, you could report the image as your intellectual property and they would remove it fairly promptly, my comments were deleted and I was banned from posting further. There was even a picture of a woman holding her newborn child on one of the groups pages, which violates several peoples consent.

NOTE:: TVNZ, after interviewing me and listening to me talk about lack of consent, used several images from these pages, WITHOUT GAINING THE GIRLS CONSENT.

There are of course other problems with these pages. The university ones are full of comments like ‘who cares what she studies, shes bangin’, and although some of them have men featured, the sexisim is very apparent; for starters, mostly the guys are ‘Blokes of the Day’, not babes, and the accompanying text reads like a dating profile; ‘Bloke is a great guy, loves puppies and kittens and volunteers at homeless shelter’, and other such harmless banalities. Another interesting thing is that there seems to be a semblance of ethnic diversity in the ‘blokes’, you have many from many races, and the photos are typical headshots. In direct contrast, the women are uniform in their race, invariably skinny, and all wearing not much at all in the full body shots (I want to stress there is nothing wrong with being white and skinny, or dressing however you like. I just wanted to point out the standards of beauty are surprising given the diverse populations of universities).

There are enough reasons to have body image problems, and it is difficult to succeed as a woman in a academic world without being judged solely on how you supposedly look in a bathing costume. The response to my ten second sound bite was enough to show the reactions you get for speaking out from a feminist viewpoint. And I’m sick of it. There are hundreds of articles about there about why we don’t need to be judged for our looks, about the issues we face in the workforce and academic worlds.

I really feel like we should have come further than this, that I shouldn’t have to be typing this, I shouldn’t have to say something as simple as gaining a womans consent before encouraging hundreds of people to jack off to her picture is not a hard or wrong thing. And I certainly shouldn’t be abused for it, or told that I am ugly and therefore worthless. Wake the fuck up people. Consent isn’t hard, and I’m sick of having to shout ‘Yes means Yes’.

The learning goes on

Content warning: this post is about rape myths, victim blaming and rape culture.  Please be careful reading it.

When the Steubenville rapists were convicted three months ago, there was a great deal of media sympathy for the two young men, which highlighted yet again that many societies bend over backwards to excuse rape.  Astonishingly, CNN reporter Poppy Harlow described herself as "outraged" people thought she was excusing rape.  Here's her original report:

"It was incredibly emotional -- incredibly difficult even for an outsider like me to watch what happened as these two young men that had such promising futures, star football players, very good students, literally watched as they believe their life fell apart.
One of -- one of the young men, Ma'lik Richmond, when that sentence came down, he collapsed. He collapsed in the arms of his attorney, Walter Madison. He said to me, "My life is over. No one is going to want me now."
Very serious crime here. Both found guilty of raping this 16- year-old girl at a series of parties back in August, alcohol-fueled parties. Alcohol is a huge part in this.
But Trent Mays was also found guilty on a second count and that is of felony illegal use of a minor in nudity-oriented material because he took a photograph of the victim laying naked on the floor that night. Trent Mays will serve two years in a juvenile detention facility. Ma'lik Richmond will serve one year on that one count that he was found guilty for.
I want to let our viewers listen because for the first time in this entire trial we have now heard from the two young men. Trent Mays stood up, apologizing to the victim's family in court. After him, Ma'lik Richmond.
Listen.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
TRENT MAYS, FOUND GUILTY OF RAPINGIN JUVENILE COURT: I would really like to apologize to (INAUDIBLE), her family, my family and community. No pictures should have been sent out or should be taken. That's all. Thank you.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Anything you'd like to say, Ma'lik?
MA'LIK RICHMOND, FOUND GUILTY OF RAPE IN JUVENILE COURT: I would like to apologize. I had no intention to do anything like that and I'm sorry to put you guys through this. (INAUDIBLE) I'm sorry.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
HARLOW: I was sitting about three feet from Ma'lik when he gave that statement. It was very difficult to watch.
You know, something that came up throughout this sentencing. Ma'lik's father had gotten up and spoke. Ma'lik has been living with guardians. His father, a former alcoholic, gotten to a lot of trouble with the law, been in prison before.
And his father stood up and he told the court, "I feel responsible for this. I feel like I wasn't there for my son." And before that, he came over to the bench where his son was sitting. He approached him, he hugged him and whispered in his ear.
And Ma'lik's attorney said to us in a courtroom, I have never heard Ma'lik's father before say, I love you. He's never told his son that. But he just did today.
This was an incredibly emotional day."

I have a friend who calls events like Steubenville "social change learning moments." 

On a good day, I think that's right.  When people who do not usually notice rape myths notice a news report of RAPE CONVICTIONS doesn't refer once to what it must have been like for the young woman who was raped, filmed, threatened, mocked, bullied and pilloried - well, that's a great thing.  Because it makes those processes which support and enable rape more visible, which means we can change them.

But it's not always that easy for those of us who do notice rape myths operating, all the time.  For me at least, those "social change learning moments" are torture, because they remind me of the scale of victim blaming and the pain that survivors have to manage and the ways we excuse power over, in myriad little ways, all of the time.

One of the team-mates of the two men who raped walked past them while they were raping the young woman on his way out of the party.  Just moments before, he'd stopped another team-mate driving home drunk - because he believed that was wrong.  Yet he didn't stop his other team-mates raping.

"It wasn't violent," explained teammate Evan Westlake when asked why he didn't stop the two defendants as they abused a non-moving girl that Westlake knew to be highly intoxicated. "I always pictured it as forcing yourself on someone."

The opportunities here for cultural change are enormous.  What if ideas of sexuality required enthusiastic participation, mutual checking in that everything happening was fun for everyone concerned?

This rape would not have been possible.

What if young men didn't let other young men rape?  What if stopping your team-mate raping was as culturally supported as stopping your team-mate driving drunk?

This rape would not have been possible.

What if when we saw someone who was comatose we helped them get home and made sure they were ok, regardless of whether our hopes for earlier in the night included sexy time?

This rape would not have been possible.

What if young men were brought up to believe women's desires and longings were just as important as their own?  What if masculinity was de-entwined from power over?

This rape would not have been possible.

If Steubenville is a learning moment - and my heart goes out to the young woman at the centre of this, and I hope she is surrounded by loving friends and specialist support - then the learning isn't over.  Because there are new charges being brought - against the man who publically released the tweets and images from the football team, which joked about the rape and ridiculed the victim.  He has been charged with hacking in connection with the Steubenville rape case.  And the potential penalty is 10 years in prison - 9 and 8 years more than the rapists.

How to make sense of this?  I'm not sure I can.  Deric Lostutter's actions helped bring rapists to justice.  Would those young men have raped again if this hadn't happened?  Almost without doubt, I'd say.  Would other team-mates?  Again, it's hard to see why not.

He is an anti-rape hero in my opinion, a view which seems to be shared by people donating to his defence fund.  As for the FBI, looks to me like they are punishing someone for challenging rape culture.