The Stigma of Childcare

When I was pregnant I very nearly had a rampaging argument with a person of my acquaintance about the possibility of putting young Wriggly into "daycare". A cataclysmic head-long crash of our opposing views was only avoided because I swerved to avoid the collision, as one often has to do to maintain friendly relations. But the argument bothered me so much I had nightmares about it afterwards, leaving me awake and angry in the darkness, frustrated at the dismissal of my thoughts and all that that signalled about my value as a human being.*

Now that Wriggly is here I'm revisiting these thoughts, as I consider the practical reality of dealing with my son on a daily basis, and thinking about how to maintain my own identity, and my career, at the same time as being the best Mum I can be.

During the nearly-an-argument "discussion" my verbal assailant subtly put forward the harsh judgement that seems to attach to mothers (rarely fathers in my experience) who avail themselves of the modern option of an early childhood centre was quick to surface. The acquaintance began by putting the case that home-based services are far better than centres. My friendly foe seemed unable to even hear my point that this option is fine, but very much a poor(ly resourced) cousin within early childhood education. While they are a growing part of the sector, and receiving more of the recognition they deserve, they are funded at a lower rate than centre-based services, and the quality of provision is still patchy. Improvements have been fantastic so far, and I have every expectation they will continue in the future.

However it soon became apparent that the reason that this point about the superiority of home-based services had been raised was because the person I was debating with clearly believed that the only real option should be for the mother to stay home full time. Using a home-based option was just the best of a bad lot, a lesser of many evils.

When I mentioned research that shows that even around 7 hours a day in a centre has been proven to not be detrimental to a child, my opponent countered by saying they were aware of research that said such children had great social difficulties at school. This seems very counter-intuitive to me, as the child would be more used to the larger groups of children they would encounter at school, and more experienced at interacting with others. Certainly school teachers I have talked to have often told me that they can pick the kids who have been through quality early childhood services within a week of term starting.

What really bugged me was how eager this acqaintance was to curtail my options, as a person. By advocating for a situation where I would effectively be tethered full time** to my child I felt it was a denial of my identity as anything other than a mother. There was constant mention of the "sacrifices" that "we" would have to make (there was no mention of the father in this conversation at all I should say).

Of course sacrifices (or "changes" as I prefer to think of them) will be inevitable. My partner and I have radically, and irrevocably, changed our relationship and our lives by adding a third person to the equation; one who will be almost utterly dependent on us for years to come. But to suggest that I should have to jettison any life outside the home, any existence separate from my child, is just something I cannot get my head around.

I refuse to accept harsh judgement from this acquaintance, or anyone else, because I might put my child into an early childhood service (home-based or centre-based) prior to the age of 5. We will make decisions as a family that suit all three of us, and as much as possible try to accomodate everyone's wishes, mine included. If this means some time each week for our kidlet to romp around with fellow small children, learning from qualified teachers in a stimulating environment, then I fail to see how that could be a bad thing.




* As opposed to my value as a milk machine.
** And by "full-time" I don't mean 9 to 5, but 24/7.