Friday 9 May 2008

I'm sorry, is my body not conforming to your stereotyping?

Earlier this year my body expelled a baby. Not long after Wriggly took his first breaths, and did his first pee, the body weight I had gained throughout the pregnancy began to disappear. I am one of those annoying women who was back in my old jeans quite quickly, and now the scales register less than they did before I conceived. My body has changed and to me it seems quite different from the pre-Wriggly days of yore, but fully clothed I look much the same as I did two years ago.

I don't write about this to brag. I rather liked the curves that pregnancy delivered. Although by the end of the gestation period I was pretty over being bigger I realise that was mainly to do with being unwieldy in the heat and having feet the size of a small car (but not so easy to park). Oh and being that unusual pregnant shape that means you have to pay a fortune for any beautiful clothes, and people will castigate you for your profligate ways when/if you do.

What has amazed me has been the nasty responses I get now from (a few) fellow women. It's more about the way it's said, not what is said - "you don't look like you've had a baby" is delivered with this horrid up-and-down look that clearly shrieks disapproval, and a tone sometimes dripping with malice. Often there is a sneer added to complete the impression that I have sinned so heinously that I will be cast out from the Mother Club.

The weight has gone because I have a fast metabolism, because I ate well during pregnancy due to my nagging partner, because I got quite sick not long after Wriggly arrived and part of that was an inability to eat much, because I went for lots of walks, because I suffered a close bereavement recently and again couldn't eat, because I'm "lucky", because this is just the shape I am, because I had over three months of bad morning sickness and went into the second trimester weighing less than I did at the start of the first, because, because, because.

Actually I shouldn't have to give a reason. I shouldn't have to explain or counter the judgement of my body, and thus of me. I am not less of a mother, or less of a woman, because I look roughly the same as I did before Wriggly came along.

And "you don't look like you've had a baby" isn't a compliment really, even if it's delivered with a smile and a hug. Is there some right way to look after becoming a mum? Did I perhaps miss that session at ante-natal classes?

We live in a society that encourages and promotes the criticism of others on the basis of their appearance. Advertising focuses on women, not just as the judged but also as judges and juries passing down The Law about each other's bodies. Apparently I broke one of the central commandments of that law: Thou Shalt Be Bigger After Giving Birth Than Thou Was Before. I impose some of the sentence on myself, by apologising to others for this apparently sorry state of affairs, or explaining my weight loss in terms that deny it was deliberate (which is true, but...)

Luckily for every person I know who polices my body I know several more who don't. Friends who say "you look great" rather than "you look skinnier", whanau who are just happy to see me whatever size or shape I am. Because whatever I look like on the outside, it's still me.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

My own theory on this subject is that more so than other women, mothers become public property. People feel they have an interest in how other people's children are incubated and raised, and that they therefore have an obligation to give advice. Sometimes that's helpful and supportive, sometimes not.

The Law you "broke" is Thou Shalt Not Depart from My Expectations, howsoever those expectations might be defined.
Those who do put on weight break the Law as well, and get inundated with well-meaning advice from other people about how Angelina Jolie and Reese Witherspoon got their figures back. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

Anonymous said...

I feel so frustrated about situations like these. As women we can be so harsh and judging towards each other (even worse than men sometimes), perhaps due to our own insecurities. Why? Aargh! *throws hands in air* Strength in unity etc...

Julie said...

@trouble, I think you are bang on about the public property thing. I agree on the adding weight aspect too, I didn't mean to imply that those who do gain weight get off scot-free. My experience, of observing friends and family who have been in that boat, is that there is definitely at least the same amount of judging and viciousness.

@helen, I think often this judging is something we do to survive in the situation we are living in. Conformity is a great way to avoid being the target, we all learn that at school when faced with bullying. I try not to judge but I'm sure I fail on a regular basis.

whatsername said...

Gods, talk about a no win situation!

Damned if you do gain weight, damned if you don't.