Dunedin poised to build giant willy*

Was there ever a venture so obviously phallic as Dunedin's proposed stadium? If you're not up to date with this unfolding provincial debacle, let me fill you in. Our city fathers – and, make no mistake, it is affluent 'old money' blokes who are pushing the stadium – have decided that Dunedin is lacklustre. We need to impregnate the place with some excitement, and of course the measure of a city is its capacity to host rugby matches. Thus, only a stadium will do. Estimates of the cost of the stadium range from $188 (supporters' estimate) to $400 million (competent estimate), and a great chunk of the cost is to be worn by Dunedin and Otago regional ratepayers.

It is very clear who the stadium will benefit. Rupert Murdoch will have another venue from which night games can be broadcast on Sky to a lucrative northern hemisphere audience. The New Zealand Rugby Football Union will have a spangly new facility purchased for it by the public. The city fathers will feel righteous, having built a monument to themselves.

But evidence that the stadium venture will not bring money into Dunedin is overwhelming. Stadium supporters have blatantly misled the public to make their case that the phallus will create economic benefits for the city, and will be good for us all. For example, they calculated the revenue they believe the stadium will produce by assuming that almost all existing Dunedin events will relocate to the stadium, thus robbing revenue from other venues. They believe that the new stadium will attract international events to the city (although, as opponents gently point out, the Pope would have to visit four times a year, with U2 as his opening act, in order for the phallus to break even). Faced with the great likelihood that their willy will bankrupt the city, supporters are taking a bizarre field of wet dreams approach: if they build it we will come, so to speak.

With a startling immaturity, stadium supporters refuse even to look at the longer term financial consequences of their current indiscretions. They are utterly focused on the consummation of their beloved project: they'll flaunt their willy, and leave someone else to deal with the inevitable problems. An Otago University academic recently wrote a report scrutinising the economic arguments for the stadium, and Malcolm Farry, a chief willy supporter, stated publicly that he refused to read it. Critics of the stadium have been treated by the Old Boys' Network with absolute parochial disdain. It's even been suggested that those of us disloyal enough to question the giant phallus leave the city.

And it's not as if Dunedin is awash with money, or doesn't require the investment of public funds in other areas. Our public transport system is in desperate need of substantial investment: currently, it takes people only to places they don't want to go at times they don't want to go there. Going to the swimming pool is costly – prohibitively so for families headed by solo mums. An alarming proportion of the city's population lives in substandard housing so cold and damp that it induces health problems. The new stadium will not even be suitable for hosting cricket matches, events which are often attended by families. Nonetheless, it is the folks who can't afford recreation activities for their children, let alone a trip to an opulent stadium, who will fund the phallus through their rates.

Sadly, it seems likely that the stadium will be built, and that it will go the way of many a willy before it. For a while, it'll be fun to play with. But eventually, we'll be forced to get our hands off it and start acting like grown ups.

*Genital inspiration shamelessly drawn from The Bewildering Case of Ms Enid Tak-Entity