The secrets that we keep

Note:  Recently I've been watching Downton Abbey, and I'm up to Season 4.  I'm not going to put any spoilers in the post, but there may end up being some in comments, and I wanted to acknowledge upfront what's prompted me to write this.  Content warning for discussion of rape, consent, secret keeping.

As I've aged I've become privy to secrets I was oblivious to.  I discovered, to give but one example, that my family is riddled with adoption stories, some good some not so good.  Every adult in my parents' generation, on both sides of my family, has either adopted a child or had a child adopted, and in one case both.  I'm pretty sure that has all come out now, into the open, but I could well be wrong.  These are stories with their origins in the 1960s, mostly, and some of the people involved are unknown to me or have died, so I'll never know it all.  These aren't secrets anymore, and they were the unacknowledged realities of others, not me.

The difficulty I'm musing on is in relation to the secrets of other people, and how those of us who keep them are obligated, or not, to disclose them.

Take a situation where you're aware that someone is a sexual predator.  You're also aware that the person (or people) who you know they have attacked desperately don't want anyone else to know.  You can shun the predator, exclude them from the realms you control, even let them know that you know.  But without broader disclosure other people will be in danger, the predator is unlikely to realise the horrible error of their ways and seek help, the predator is unlikely to be held accountable, other victims you don't know about may feel isolated and at fault.  You end up keeping a secret for a friend, someone viciously attacked and feeling awful, but that advantages the predator, not least with continuing their heinous activity.

Then of course there is the lack of justice in this country (and most others from what I can see) for situations like this.  If I could put my hand on my heart and say please go to the police if you are raped, they will do a good job, then I would.  But I can't.  And so I can understand the decision of those who don't report, knowing how difficult it would be to do so, especially when the person who has attacked them is in their circle, their family, their workplace.

To disclose a secret that belongs to another robs them of agency, and in cases like the example I've given above, and many others, they have already had power stripped from them, and I don't want to contribute to repeating that experience, even in part.

Silence enables abuse to continue.  Yet speaking out is not without cost, not least for those who have already suffered.

Breathtakingly arrogant

This version is from the Herald:

Ten United States Baptists arrested trying to take thirty-three children out of earthquake-shattered Haiti say they were just trying to do the right thing.

The orphanage where the children were later taken said at least some of the kids have living parents, who were apparently told the children were going on an extended holiday from the post-quake misery.

The church group's mission statement said it planned to spend only hours in the devastated capital, quickly identifying children without immediate families and then taking them by bus to a hotel in the Dominican Republic without permission from the Haitian Government...

Every news story I see or hear about this just astonishes me. How anyone, any organisation, could think they didn't require permission to remove other people's children from their home country, even in the aftermath of the devastation Haiti has suffered, boggles me.

There are many many agencies doing great work in Haiti, but it doesn't sound like this is one of them.

Cross-post: Pregnancy lasts 9 months not 90 minutes

Cross-posted at the ex-expat.

I loved the movie Juno, it was funny and intelligent tale of the trials and tribulations of teenage pregnancy. I also respected that the writer and director didn't gloss over the painful and negative aspects of adoption and that the film also highlighted the character's network of family and friends who loved and supported her through the tough process. However after I finished watching Juno, I began to worry that the movie might be used as an excuse to promote adoption as an option to young woman.

Sadly I was right.

Of course the herald piece doesn't mention this but a quick glance of the Adoption Trust's website shows a piece from tearway that does just that along with an advertisement from the trust for a free DVD and information about adoption.

I want to be clear as that my criticism is not of adoption process itself, what I am concerned about both from the herald piece and the adoption trust's DVD is that it is putting pressure on women, in particular young women, to pursue a highly painful physical and emotion option that may not be in their best interests.

And sure enough the reasons given for the promotion of the adoption option in the Herald piece seem to have little to do with the rights of the women making the decision but more on the desires of childless couples to create a family. I wouldn't wish infertility on my worst enemy. I am sure it must cut those who are not physically able to become parents to the core when they get the probing questions as to their lack of children or when yet another horrific case of child abuse hits the headlines. However their desire to become parents should not have any influence on a woman's decision to continue with an unplanned pregnancy.

Because as Juno brilliantly demonstrates pursuing the adoption particularly for a teenager is not easy. Aside from the tough physical process of pregnancy and giving birth, dealing with judgments and condescension of others is just as difficult. The movie also doesn't gloss over the emotional ramifications of giving a baby up for adoption just after birth. We know that despite all the support she receives, that the process still cuts Juno to the core. Thus any decision to adopt needs to serve the interests of the mother first and foremost.

However despite the negatives surrounding adoption and my own personal experience with an unplanned pregnancy, I still think adoption can be a great thing. One of my close friends is a brilliant mother to her two adopted sons while another one became a 'birth mother' in her mid twenties. However my point is that just like the other alternatives to unplanned pregnancy, abortion and unplanned parenthood, there are positive and negative aspects to both.

And it shouldn't be anybody's right to overly promote and pressure women to pursue one option nor to make judgments over her decision.* However we should all be there to support her with whatever decision she makes makes because pregnancy lasts 9 months not 90 minutes.

* The Adoption trust's birth mum's checklist shows a lot about their priorities. It places explaining the decision to a potential child ahead of making the informed decision and the consideration of a support network for the process is right near the bottom of the page.