I got angry.

Cross posted from "Well behaved women rarely make history".

Tonight was a new low.

I left Auckland feminist drinks, also lovingly called Boner Killer Drinks* early.

Early, because I was so angry at a man attending, that I was scared of what I would say, who I would upset, and trouble I would cause.

So here is a little love letter to the guy involved, and perhaps the woman stupid enough to bring him along to something he was obviously opposed to.

I was angry when you made jokes about high heeled shoes and car washing fundraisers, because you obviously expected a rise out of us. And I’m really sorry, but the wide range of young feminists around the table have more valuable shit to worry about that telling other people how to dress.

Did you really think those jokes were fresh? Normal women have to hear that crap all the time. As people who identify as feminists, we are targeted for crap like that daily. I can’t believe you thought you were unique bringing that shit to our table.

I got angry when you made jokes about “accepting our lord and saviour Jesus Christ into our lives” because that exact phrase is really triggering for me, and you didn’t know that because you didn’t ask, or care.

In fact, all you seemed to want was a response.

It didn’t matter that the response wouldn’t be interesting, or make better conversation, or expand horizons, you just wanted to get someone angry.

I got angry when I finally tried to shut you down by joking that “I’m sorry, I can’t hear what you are saying, I’m too busy objectifying your beard” your girlfriend fired up because someone else yelled “Yeah, take off your top”. (which by the way was very funny) .

So you can literally sit there and bait us, in our own safe place, but we can’t pick on you, because why?

I got angry when you tried to enter a philosophical debate about abortion by talking over the top of a history major, about the history of genocide.

When you talked over the top of the women trying to explain their point.
WHEN YOU TALKED OVER THE TOP OF YOUR OWN GIRLFRIEND WHEN SHE TRIED TO HELP YOU ARGUE. Why in gods name would you do that!? She was the only one out of the two of you actually qualified for the discussion, since she is the only one who has to get pregnant.

I got really angry when you said “urgh let’s go” and then DIDN’T GO!!

You could have just left. It was our meeting, our space, our time. Why the hell when you realised you didn’t like it, didn’t you just leave?

But no, you stood there arguing so long that I had time to get up and leave.

I got angry in the car on the way home. Angry at myself for not saying all this stuff, angry at you for talking over me when I tried. Angry at your girlfriend for bringing someone unsafe to our safe place.

So angry.

And then I got angry at not expressing it.

Because you know what? Neck beards like you exist in my life EVERY FUCKING DAY.

You are my boss.

You are the doctors I work with.

You are my family members.

You are the men on the street.

You are the jackass who came to feminist drinks and had a laugh at our expense.

You were the one person I COULD have shouted at, and I didn’t.

Because I’ve gotten really good at being angry and keeping my mouth shut.
At letting people like you talk over me, walk over me, violate my boundaries, and make me feel unsafe. And I just play nice and try to get away as soon as I can. I don’t want to be a “bad person” and give feminism a “bad name”. God forbid a feminist be angry, why would we be angry?

Mostly I’m angry at the fact I live in a society where one half of our country genuinely feels that their opinion is more valid/important/correct than the other half. And it’s so ingrained that you are probably going home thinking you did us a favour giving us something to think about.

We read about this shit, we research it, we debate it, we watch it, we work on political change, and read policy documents. We work in sectors where we make a difference.

There is very little that you could have brought to that table that someone hadn’t heard before, and yet you assumed we would actually change our minds based on your awesome argument.

So please don’t bother coming back. Because I’ve figured out what made me angry. And next time I won’t just leave.

*or #AklBKD if you want to keep up on twitter

Guestie: I am not a suitcase

Very happy to bring you another guest post by hazel. Her flatmate reacted to this rant with a concerned "have you been reading the comments on Stuff again?".

On being told that fairness in air travel would consist of everyone paying one fare for person + packages, so that fatties like me don't get more than my fair share of the space:

I am not a suitcase. I am not the floral bouquet you take to your mother when you visit on her birthday. I am not the box of illegal copies of movies you bought from a street vendor in Bangkok. I am not your luggage; I am not your third-best pair of jeans or your stained underwear or the pair of shoes you just couldn't pass by. I can't leave bits of me behind in the hotel room when I check out; I can't abandon myself in a convenient rubbish bin outside the airport. When I go I take all of me (and frankly I'd rather not have you either, but I put up with it). I do not fit into a test compartment by the check-in counter; and unlike your box of condoms and your shampoo I care about whether or not I am weighed in public. The span of my hips is not for public consumption.

And your grand plan for social equity won't solve the dilemma of you being pressed up against my thigh; I can't put my left calf above your head shut away for three hours as we cross the Tasman. The seats aren't bigger because I've paid for my tits, lady, for my nose and my size 10 feet and my wide wide shoulders level with your eyes.

I know you are angry. I know you suffer, crushed up against the thickness of my waist for this trip we share. I know it is very hard for you, trapped in a claustrophobic tube eight miles high floating above the clouds and caught between the screaming baby three rows back and the air hostess asking if you want milk in your tea; and me, my shoulders (level with your eyes) and my fatness and the bright pink of my dress and the way the seatbelt presses into my flesh: it offends.

I just don't give a shit.

That's a lie - I totally do, because then you talk at me in newspaper columns wide-eyed and earnest as though you have solved the world's problems with your perfect logic and stellar pragmatism. Because you want to take your mother a floral bouquet on her birthday; and you do not see why I cannot put my left calf above your head shut away for three hours as we cross the Tasman. And if I question your perfect logic and stellar pragmatism you ask me if I am not maybe just a little bit it only seems the sensible thing concerned about my health.

Transphobic tripe, again

I want to write on some related issues to this piece of bigotry by Rosemary McLeod, which I shall try and do later, but in the meantime:

1. Referring to a known person (particularly one with a clearly stated gender identity) as he/she questions that identity, and is not acceptable.
2. I assume by "surgically created penis thingy" you mean a penis. If so, say so.
3. I have no idea why the man in question has not had 'bottom surgery', but there are a lot of reasons (medical risks, cost, the fact that the results are often not that great) why he may not have done so (DOES NOT NEED A PENIS TO BE A MAN is another option).  If you don't know the reasoning, don't draw any conclusions from what you think it might be.
4. As a queer woman with short hair, a little facial hair and who sometimes wears men's clothes, I'm actually not like Thomas Beattie when it comes to gender. THAT IS BECAUSE I'M NOT A MAN. He is, I'm not. Therefore, none of the above are determining factors.
5. Plainness = so utterly irrelevant.
6. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE ABORTION RATE HAS TO DO WITH THIS.
7. Have you ever considered the fact that maybe the couple are modelling pride in who they are, openness and the fact everyone is entitled to respect for their children?
8. Have you ever considered that maybe it would be hard for them to keep this secret and they are trying to reveal it on their terms.
9. If all the people (disabled, non-white, unmarried, low income...) who some obnoxious bigot thought shouldn't have children acted on that advice, the world would have a lot less kids and be a far worse place.
10. I've never heard of a child with a trans* parent being made homeless by that parent because of their gender identity. Maybe that needs to be considered when we're thinking of the children.
11. When you start talking about BIRTHING LIVE GOLDFISH, OF ALL THINGS you make this sound like a freak show. It isn't. Shut up.
12. If you're concerned about the children, oh the children, why won't someone think of the children, why don't you stop worrying about what may or may not have been between their parents' legs at whatever times in their life, and make the world a bit easier for them by showing some respect.

Got it? Awesome.