Sour grapes from Family First

On the day that many people are celebrating the first marriages able to be made between same sex partners in Aotearoa New Zealand, Family First have got their grump on.

They've sent out a really odious email, which I'm going to share after the jump because you probably don't really want that kind of hateful lying in your day, but just in case you do,you'll wan to click on the Read More, when you get there.

Instead of celebrating that more people are now able to enter the institution they claim they value highly, they are making sour aspersions that incest, polygamy and self-marriage (why would it be terrible to love yourself?) are coming, when today's change of forms to inclusive language does nothing of the kind.

If we cannot recognise the changing nature of marriage, and that it is not an institution carved instone on the back of the Ten Commandments, then Family First should also be advocating a return to bans on marriages between different racial groups, different religions,  and the need for the consent of any female parties.

Alright - make with the clicky if you have the resources to be disgusted, otherwise here's a picture of a puppy with a Hello Kitty and a cupcake:

Going to the chapel to educate the congregation

So now we’re beyond Marriage Equality, what next?  The indicators of homophobia, biphobia and transphobia are still all around us.  Who gets bullied at school?  Who disproportionately wrestles with mental health issues, depression, anxiety, self-harm and suicide?  Who has hate graffiti on their walls?  Who is targeted for violence on the streets, in their workplaces, from their families?  Who is not able to look at any media, anytime, and see someone who looks a bit like them, wrestling with some of the things they think about?

One of the very difficult issues for queer and trans* people to navigate is connection with others.  What happens when you transition?  Can you keep relationships with people who have known you as one gender?  Will those people treat you with respect?  Will you be safe?  Or do you have to build a completely different social and support network from scratch?

For same and both-sex attracted people, the disconnect from our families can be just as severe.  I’ve supported young people whose families have kicked them out when they learned who their sons or daughters loved.  I’ve talked one parent down from trying to have their daughter institutionalized as mentally unwell – simply because she was lesbian.

But it’s not just young people.  I’ve been out for 24 years.  When I first came out, the homophobia and biphobia of my parents was so vicious I refused to see them for a year.  They told me they could never respect me again, that my sexuality was unnatural and a symptom of being parented poorly.  They tried, at length, to work out if it was my depressed mother’s lack of interest or my father’s fondness for playing cricket with me that was the problem.  They wanted me to be lesbian, because that would be easier for them.

No one in my family would even think of saying such things now.  Yet several years ago, when an aunt was visiting London, my sister could tell me not to make such a big deal about whether or not to come out to her.

“I’m not going to talk about my sexuality,” she said, straightly.  My sister was single.  I’d been with my lover for ten years.  We owned a house together, parented her children together.  To not come out meant not being able to talk about my life with any honesty.  To come out meant the risk of my aunt’s reaction framing the entire night.  We were faced with quite different dilemmas. 

 

Now, when I have a female partner there is no hostility, but no one in my family can bring themselves to ask me anything about her.  When a relationship ends, there is literally nothing to say, because my family have no idea how much she has meant to me, what we may have shared.  These things had shifted markedly with my mother before she died; in her absence, there is a gaping hole where some of the sustaining relationships in my life are ignored and minimised by my family.

I share stories of how my family treats me with other queer people.  Telling them in public, or to straight friends, feels shaming in a way it’s difficult to name.  I’m an out and proud bisexual woman.  How can there still be such bruising homophobia and biphobia in my life?  

That’s the beyond marriage equality I’m interested in talking about.  Moving now into educating our communities.  Gathering information – like say, by using the census – about the kinds of experiences queer and trans* people have based on our sexuality and gender identity.  Gathering information about victimisation – like say, by recording sexuality and gender diversity – in crime stats about street violence.  Expanding the Human Rights Act to protect trans* folk from cis-gender based discrimination.

A good starting point would be a national queer and trans* resource centre, funded to identify exactly what beyond marriage equality might mean.  Able to develop queer and trans* specific materials for schools and our national curriculum.  Able to work with the Human Rights Commission to ensure experiences of queer and trans* discrimination are named, understood, responded to appropriately.  Able to intervene in social institutions which are responding to queer and trans* people – New Zealand Police, mental health systems, healthcare more broadly – and ensure processes are transparent and well-equipped.  Able to develop completely new resources – emergency housing for young queer and trans* people who need somewhere safe to stay; social work and prevention resources around suicide and self-harm, intimate partner and sexual violence which are specific to the queer community.

The kinds of difference Marriage Equality will make to queer and trans* peoples lives are important.  This was a social change moment – and make no mistake, we won it.  The people arguing against equality looked like bigoted hate-mongers.  But we still had to listen to their vitriol, had to protect ourselves from its impact on our sense of self in a world where those things sadly do not just sound ridiculous - which is how they should sound.

It’s time to celebrate – and to work out what else we need to dismantle homophobia, biphobia and transphobia for good. 

Awesome event: Queers Got Talent - Wellington

A media release from The Queer Avengers:

Queers Got Talent

The Queer Avengers are organising Queers Got Talent, an all-ages community talent quest just
before the weekend of the Marriage Equality Conference held in Wellington. The event will be held
on Thursday the 29th of November, 7pm til late at Meow café in Wellington.

Queers Got Talent will be judged by Rangimoana Taylor, Jac Lynch and Jan Logie, and hosted by the
fabulous LaQuisha Redfern. A range of performers from the community are stepping up to the stage,
with prizes ranging up to a spot on Auckland’s Queerlesque.

"I am totally thrilled to be hosting the biggest feel good event of recent memory," says
Redfern. “Queers Got Talent is a party for the whole community.”

Redfern thanks the event’s sponsors; Caffe Laffare, Whittakers Chocolate, Chow and Unity Books.

Entry is $5, proceeds will go to the ongoing activities of Queer Avengers.

Contact thequeeravengers@gmail.com

Why submit on Marriage Equality?

This Friday, 26th October, is the final day for submissions on the Marriage Equality Bill before parliament, which seeks to allow anyone who wishes to, regardless of sex, gender identity or sexuality, marry their partner.

We've covered this here at the Hand Mirror in spades - Scube has updated us and described debates; Julie explained why she doesn't feel her marriage is "under attack"; Anthea has written about the limits of how this debate is happening.  And I weighed in on looking at social change.

To submit, or not to submit, that is the question.  Well, even if this isn't a burning issue for you - or any of your family, your friends, your colleagues, your sportsmates, your ex-lovers, your current lovers - even if this isn't a burning issue for you, if you broadly support Marriage Equality, it would be great if you could say so.

Because the people who don't like queer people, who want control over what "family" means and who it includes, who say that marriage is "nature's way" of giving roles to women and men - well, those people will be submitting.  Family First have distributed 100,000 pamphlets on why inequality is fine, and currently have 40,000 people on their mailing list.  Bob McCroskie says their handy guide to submitting against the Bill has received "overwhelming" demand.

So submit. Even if you don't want to get married yourself.  Because if we don't, then those in Parliament who wish to pretend Marriage Equality is unpopular will be able to do so.

_______________________________________________________________________________

Dear Select Committee Members,

I came out as bisexual twenty-four years ago, when I was eighteen.  Over that time the legislative framework in New Zealand and other places I have lived has changed dramatically in terms of sexuality.

In my first relationship with a woman, I could still have been sacked because of my sexuality. I wasn't - but on one occasion potential employers told me, after my interview, that another member of staff had threatened to resign if I was employed, because of my sexuality.  

I didn't get the job.  

In my first long-term relationship with a woman, if she had been violent, abusive or controlling to me, it would not, yet, have been recognised by the law as domestic violence.  I would not, yet, have been able to seek the legal protections the state offers.

When I first wanted to live with a female partner, she could not stay in New Zealand, yet, solely on the basis of our relationship.  Unlike my mother, who could come to New Zealand with my father, more than twenty years earlier, just because of their relationship.

And now, if I wish to, I can not marry a female partner.

New Zealand sees ourselves as progressive, as world leaders in equality.  In terms of sexuality, there is some truth in this - some queer people are protected by the Human Rights Act (though this misses trans* and gender identity discrimination).  New Zealand is one of the safest places I have visited or lived in terms of being able to express affection towards a same-sex partner in public, at least if you are female.  

But we have a long way to go.

The debates over this Bill illustrate why.  There are still many who believe queer people should not have the same rights as heterosexual New Zealanders.  That our relationships are less legitimate.  That we should not be able to parent if we wish to.  There are still many New Zealanders, sadly, who do not recognise that when one group has rights denied to another, that is discrimination, pure and simple.

And discrimination both reflects and recreates hatred.

It is a nonsense to say that the Marriage Equality Bill does anything but remove discrimination.  It doesn't have any impact on existing marriages between opposite sex partners - those marriages are still good, bad or indifferent depending on the people involved and how they behave.  It doesn't force anyone to marry who doesn't wish to - no doubt not all queer people will wish to marry, just as not all opposite sex couples marry now.  

At the moment, our legislation around marriage treats some kinds of relationship as more equal than others.  I believe in twenty years time, this debate will be looked back on with incredulity, just as we now think it is incredible than consenting sexual acts between men were criminal less than thirty years ago.

Please change our laws to allow those who wish to marry to do so - whatever their sex, gender identity or sexuality.  Thank you.

Marriage equality talk at university of Auckland 24th August 2012

(Apologies for the lateness of this being posted, I've been sick.)

I left Louisa Wall’s talk at the University of Auckland with some serious warm fuzzies. Within the room there had been a myriad of people, religions, and ages, all united in one single cause. The cessation of separation of human rights related to gender and sexuality.

Had we all gone to a café after and tried to have a conversation about any other topic, we would have struggled to include everyone without some serious bickering but in marriage equality, we were united.

Louisa spoke passionately and without notes. She spoke of her personal history, the history of rainbow rights in NZ and around the world, and she spoke about what this bill will mean.

If you want to hear the basics from her mouth, take a look at her speach today at parliament house.

If you would like to hear a more in depth discussion about what the bill means to NZ, including a very clear discussion on what it will mean for NZ churches (spoiler alert – NOTHING), take a peek here.

If you want to watch Colin Craig get OWNED on public television, check this out. *snort*

I’m just briefly going to give an insight into the questions session of the day, because that is the one thing you won’t see elsewhere.

In the questions.

A woman stepped forward and spoke about marrying into an interracial relationship only one year after Loving vs Virginia, and the hate that continued after that point.

She and her daughter pointed out the similarities in argument the social right use against gay marriage and against mixed race marriage. The fact we have grown past the latter, doesn’t mean the stupid arguments wont be re-used to hurt a new minority group.

They spoke of evolution and the fact both sides survived the revolution and they will both survive this one, but we need to ignore the bigots and keep fighting for what is right.

Aaron raised the fact that the media, and this includes the rainbow media, keeps calling the bill the “gay marriage bill”, the frustration was evident from his passion, when speaking about the fact that trans people are even more marginalised than the cis-gay community.

Louisa spoke compassionately to this point and clarified that this is why this is the bill is called the “definition of marriage amendment bill”.

She got a laugh from the group when she said

“this bill couldn’t BE ANY STRAIGHTER” and I know it wasn’t just me that choked up when she followed on

“It isn’t about being gay, or straight, or what your gender identity, it’s about being EQUAL.”

Section 32 will be highlighted when she speaks on Wednesday, and I for one will be watching.

Soraiya Daud stood “It’s been a long time since I sat in a room and been moved by a labour mp, and I’m IN the labour party.” Cue raucous laughter from the room!

“I hope that you can be an example to the rest of our MPs”

Finally Nathan, a Christian who has recently joined the salvation army stood up. He had a loud voice and after overhearing conversations from before we started I was terrified of what he was going to say. So much positivity was bouncing around the room, and I was so scared we were going to end on a downer.

He told a story about a Friend who texted him- “I’m gay, does Jesus love me?”

He said he thought about it, and said “Jesus does love you because you are made in his image”. He quoted “Come now for it is time to worship, come as you are.”

He said that his friend replied

“Thank you, I was on the edge of a bridge, and I have gotten off”

The room audibly sighed. To hear of people working within organisations who are in support of this cause was wonderful, and someone in the crowd shouted "Kia-Ora Nathan”.

He Pointed out that there ARE Christians out there who agree, but want to work within their groups, churches, leadership, they want to make their own boundaries.

Louisa nodded in agreement, and reiterated her points about the fact that this bill doesn’t change what the church can or has to do.

“Churches continue to be able to discriminate based on religious belief.”

What this bill will do is open bigger spaces for churches to have their own discussions, and this is already happening.

The discussion was thrilling, and I think most people wished they could raise their hand just to shout THANK YOU, but there wasn’t enough time.

I was there because the Marriage equality bill is in front of parliament Wednesday the 29^th August.

I sincerely hope that this law is changed through this process. Partly because I honestly can’t see why it hasn’t been already, and partly because I don’t want any future generations to have to fight this rubbish. We should be raising our young people in spaces safe for all genders and sexualities. People should feel safe as they are, with who they love.

So as a person who feels passionately about this bill, and hopes that THIS will be the time for change, I want to soak everything up, be part of it, support those putting themselves out there, enable safe spaces for open conversation and remember this.

Because one day I want to tell my nieces and nephews, or kids, that I was there, I was part of this, I helped the change.

I don’t want to tell them I went out for dinner and don’t remember the specifics.

Because this… this is important people.

Sit up, take notice, write letters, talk to your family, talk to your friends, talk to your leaders, religious groups, community groups. Raise this issue.

Most hate is driven by ignorance, and change is hindered by apathy. So if you think you can’t make a difference, you can. 

It will be our generation who makes the difference, because WE are the ones who overwhelmingly support this bill. It is us who needs to raise its profile and put a loving face on the front of it.

Go to it people.

That awkward moment when someone asks me to sign the Family First Protect Marriage petition

I spied her clipboard from across the room, as she drew it slowly from her bag.   Noting the image across the top of the petition sheet, my heart sank.  It was the Family First Protect Marriage petition and it had no good purpose being anywhere near me.

"You'll sign this won't you?  To protect marriage!"

"Ah no, I've already signed the other one, the opposite one, in fact."

Shocked look.

"But, but, but, you're MARRIED!"

"Yes, and I think any two people who love each other should be able to marry.  Let's make it open to more people, and share the love."

"Oh."

We both found something else important to do elsewhere.

---

Opposite sex marriage is simply not under attack.  It doesn't need to be protected from same sex marriage at all.  Marriage is about a commitment between people* which has meaning for them.  What I might think about their marriage is irrelevant.  What happens in my marriage doesn't impact on anyone else's marriage, or civil union, in any way.  What does Family First think they are protecting marriage from?

Tonight a friend of mine, who happens to be gay, mentioned to me how he appreciated my support because this doesn't affect me.  In a way it is easier for me to be out there about my views, precisely because it is not about me;  there is no criticism of the way I live my life, of the person I am, in all the many awful arguments against marriage equality that I have seen.  I really feel for those out there who are on the frontlines of this in a way I am not; many of whom will not want to be even having a battle, and shouldn't have to be, to justify who they are.

There are many many people who support marriage equality, for reasons of justice and fairness, and just down right treating everyone as a full human being.  We should be making the world better than it was when we arrived, for those who come after, and marriage equality is one little way to help.

---

For those interested in the debate and vote on the first reading, estimates so far is that it is likely to occur at around 8pm Wednesday night.  There is a celebration rally going from Civic Square to Parliament tomorrow also, from 12noon.   There is a great deal of activity on Facebook in support of Louisa Wall's Bill too, not least longstanding group LegaliseLove, the adorable Can these otters holding hands get more fans than Protect Marriage NZ? (the answer is YES THEY CAN), and a range of pages showing that support is definitely not restricted to Pakeha queer atheists, but is rather more widespread than that: Tagata Pasifika for Marriage Equality, Christians for Marriage Equality Aotearoa NZ  and Straights for Marriage Equality in Aotearoa NZ (SMEANZ).

Currently the Bill looks likely to pass its first reading tomorrow night.  The process from there is that it goes to Select Committee for public submissions.  After that it gets a second and then a third and final reading in Parliament.  After the third reading it is officially law.



*  I'm pretty open-minded on the issue of polyamorous marriage.  I think it has had a bad reputation because it has most commonly been seen in societies where women do not have high status and has thus been a tool for oppressing women, but it doesn't have to be that way imho.  This is not really a post about that though.


Comment direction:  No hate in the comments thanks, plenty of other places on the interweb for that, sadly.  There have been a lot of amazing posts about this issue over the last few weeks, not least from my co-bloggers, so you may wish to share the ones that particularly appealed to you in comments :-)

Love isn't Love isn't Love: The Marriage Game

Love is love is love. That's the game we're playing now. That's what the images say, uniform toilet-symbol representations of binary genders in three different (two person) combinations. Conventionally attractive white young photographed kisses in three different (two person) combinations. Still more - usually young, usually conventionally attractive, usually white - couples photographed in couples, professing how just like anyone else they are, how they pay their taxes and eat toast in the morning and how they're just like anyone else. Our love is just like your love. Love is love is love.

This is the game we're playing. This is the game to get marriage.

We're used to games. We've played them all our lives, played them for survival from the first slight difference bubbling in our consciousness, played them later in press releases and on parliament grounds. We've accepted compromises, concocted strategies. We know we will always have to do this. Sometimes there are winnings. Sometimes we play together and stay together, ready for the next round. Games aren't all bad.

We always play to the same goal. Love is love is love.

Except ours is love is a society that ignores it, that discredits it, that overtly oppresses it. Our love is in secret, or with a never ending shame, a belief that maybe, maybe, it should not be. Our love is a brazen fuck you, our love is a show of pride. Our love is us just wanting, just wanting our love to be like your love. Our love is wanting our love to never be like your love. Our love is never in a vacuum. Your love and our love never started on equal footings. Our love is having to hide our other differences to make us more normal, make us more ordinary, to gain an acceptance of our love you will never have to work or fight for.

You can choose your pieces. You can be yellow or green or red or blue. Sometimes you can be a boot or a dog or an iron or a car.

Make no mistake. This is a game for ordinary people. A game for normal people. A game for people who look good in the newspapers, people who the average kiwi can relate to. No-one likes it, but it's what we have to do to win. Jostling at the edges, or maybe staying home, will be those who will never look good in the papers, but found in the queer community a home of sorts, or those who were never welcome even there. We'll pick up our placards and we'll march, because we know this fight has to be fought, this game has to be won. We may even have a share of the winnings, or we may have a penalty deducted. It won't have been our fight. It won't have been our liberation.

This is the game to get marriage. But does the winner take all? Who has to fold up the board and put away the pieces? And will you, and your winnings, be on our team for another round?